Monday, November 2, 2009

I forget

December 22, 2004

OK, I guess I should confess – I'm a celebrity.

That's right. This whole time I've been lying to the people. The fact is I'm a major celebrity. I have been using this beta form of MSN to convey my thoughts and emotions with no prejudice.

My life is so jaded and tragic that I need to blog to the world about it. Now, I can't do that in real life because my career would be ruined.

That's how important I am.

I am in fact – Don Knott's ghost.

Yeah. Whatever happened to that Rance guy? Christ, if he was a celebrity he should be shot.

My favorite part was when he would drone on about how tired he was with other celebrities and how he wanted to meet "a scientist" or some such bullshit.

Did anyone ever out the twerp? I learned from that he was really Luke Wilson's ballsack.

That's right. Luke Wilson's ballsick became aware of itself on February 12, 2001 at 2:19 AM PST. And just like HAL, it went crazy, killed the crew of Luke Wilson's body and fled into insanity only to name itself "Rance."

Good lord that was clever: rants = rance = Rance.

K, one hundred thousand million jerkoff points to anyone who can solve this riddle:

A washed up celebrity with genital warts and a penchant for buggery decides to write a weblog. The weblog is read by one hundred thousand million people. How many people actually show up to see this drip's movies?

You guessed it! The same amount that purchased the last Justin Timerlake echo box.

Good lord I hate celebrities. The only good ones are the ones that kill themselves. So, here's to you Rance: kill yourself.

Which reminds me, did anyone notice that Princess Di's death got more publicity than Mother Theresa's?

Does that mean that if Mother Theresa was a total slut piece of Eurotrash she would've made more of an impact like that twerp who walked minefields for a half hour of her life?

Why the hell are celebrity causes always so fucking complex? Have you noticed that they never give to just plain homeless people? It's always gotta be something clever. Like mine removal in Afghanistan?

I can just see them thinking: Well, Madonna just did that whole coral reef thing, and Sting is doing a concert for hepatitis....I know! Mine removal! Yes! I'm calling Charlie Sheen!

Look, if you're a celebrity – kill yourself. It's just the way it oughtta be.

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