Monday, November 2, 2009

Choose Your Own Adventure

Choose Your Own Adventure

Page 1
You're Top Gun, Ace astronaut Lance Martin and you've just been recruited to be the first man on Neptune. It's the year 3030 and times have changed.
Lance, do you choose this adventure?

Turn to page 34 if you don't. Turn to page 102 if you do.

Page 102

Good. I'm glad. It would be stupid if you didn't choose the adventure. I mean, why wouldja buy the book?
OK. You have chosen to fly to Neptune on a Super Secret Stealth Neptune Rocket. You climb aboard the rocket, but find that you can't remember if you left your futuristic stove on.

Turn to page 23 if you return home to turn off the stove. Turn to page 73 if you continue on board the rocket and give caution to the wind.

Page 23

Man, you must be the worrying type. Don't you realize that by the time you returned home, your house would be a few hundred years old? It wouldn't even be there, whether you burned it down or not.
OK, OK, sorry, I shouldn't have gotten upset. K, so you go home and find that you didn't leave the stove on – see, you dumb bastard, you could be on your way to Neptune now. What are you 6? 7? You're still young, you shouldn't let trivial things get in the way of your fun. Christ, do you know what I would give to be your age? Before I sunk low enough to marry what amounts to be a high priced prostitute who tells you you're better off writing children's books than getting your Whitesnake cover band together for a tour of the –
Hey, I'm sorry. This is your adventure and you can do what you like. Let's move on.
So, you get in your jet-powered hover car and return to the launch pad. Everything is GO! You are about to witness space as no human has done before. You get into your rocket and blast off.
You discover that there's a fuel leak and you'll need to jettison some material.
Do you jettison:

The experimental monkey's life support – page 109
The box of vintage vinyl you managed to retrieve from your home, before your ex-wife burns it – page 67

Page 67

Dude! That box of vinyl had Bon Jovi doing a cover of Stairway! You tool!
Fine. Spilt milk. Spilt milk.
So, now you're all good to go and you fall into your sleep chamber and go fast asleep.
You wake up as the starship approaches Neptune. Suddenly, space babes beam aboard and demand your semen.
Do you:
Give into their demands – page 21
Not know what Semen is – page 34

Page 34

OK. Look, when a man loves a woman a lot....
Do you let me continue this conversation at the risk of getting me arrested – page 54
Do you ask your parents – 90

Page 90

Good for you. I already have three DUIs – I don't need that shit in my life.
K. So, you give up your stuff to the babes, but they demand that you marry only one of them and stay on Uranus with that ONE woman for the rest of your life and that one woman is not going to allow you to ever see your friends again, is going to stop wanting your semen, except to make other Uranian people that you're going to have to mine Uranium for the rest of your life to support. Oh, plus she's going to sleep with your brother in the alley behind the Monster Truck Show on your birthday.
Do you say:
Sure, for I love the beautiful Zanzor – page 45
Fuck no! – page 68

Page 68

You've made me proud m'boy. K, so you zap the fiendish twats and proceed on to Neptune where the beer is cheap and the women are loose.

The End

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