Sunday, November 8, 2009

Instructions for Leaving the Universe

Instructions for forcibly ejected yourself from this universe

You will need:

a. oxygen

b. firm grasp of your mental faculties

c. endorphins

d. firm grasp of Buddhism

e. portal to alternate universe

f. turpentine

g. aluminum foil pirate cap

h. liverwurst in a syringe

i. lyrics to the Cheers theme song

j. sign identifying you as dimensional foreigner including your name and list of compounds your body can and cannot break down

1. Absorb as much oxygen into your lungs as you can.

2. Release safety latch in frontal lobe of brain.

3. Repeat step 1.

4. Fire a clinical dose of endorphins into brain.

5. Remove all clothing, jewelry and hair.

6. Repeat steps 1 – 4.

7. Enter into Zen-like state of well-being.

8. Cup head in both hands.

9. Release carbon dioxide.

10. Open mental portal to alternate universe.

11. Repeat the words "Fillet of fish" to yourself as you steadily absorb small doses of oxygen.

12. Apply turpentine to body.

13. Place aluminum foil pirate hat on head.

14. Repeat steps 1 – 4.

15. Inject liverwurst into thyroid gland.

16. Brace yourself.

17. Release all carbon dioxide.

18. Mouth the words to the Cheers theme song.

19. Hold up sign.

20. Don't be surprised when other dimension is "full of stars."

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