Thursday, November 12, 2009


Please shoot Lance Armstrong into space

Nothing bothers me more than bullshit news. I guess it's my fault for reading CNN everyday, but every other outlet is ten times worse.

Sure, there are the liberal pages that are convinced that George Bush is trying to supplant an army of replicants in every Walmart. And there are the conservative ones that will tell you that Ted Kennedy turned a preschool into his own personal buffet. But, what I want is an actual news source that gives me news.

That's why the last two days have left me especially pissed off. It's one thing to completely ignore the ongoing investigation of the White House that will hopefully put Bushco in the slammer, but it's another thing to replace it with a junkie biker and a spaceship rocketing into the heavens with your grandchildren's Social Security.

OK, so there's no proof that Lance is on roids and that his nutsack is the size of a day old pea, but damnit, I hate him. His three-year-old rant on how he showed us? Some garbage about "the cynics" or some shit hating on him. Bullshit. Look, Lance – I could give a shit. Ride your bike, win prizes and such – I'm just sick of seeing your fucking face. It looks like someone plunged your skull into silly putty as hard as they could and then imprinted that shitty grin on your face for good. Fucking walnut head. I guess it's just that thing where you can just look at people and hate them. Well, Lance, here's to you: I hate you for no reason. But, damn do I hate you. I'm so glad you're retiring and I don't have to hear about what a fucking hero you are for riding your bike around the Netherlands or whatever? DAMN!

Space Shuttle: FUCKING WASTE OF MONEY! Seriously, these dumbass missions are accomplishing nothing except entertainment. Send robots. We don't need to put people's lives in jeopardy so that they can float around holding "Happy Chanukah" signs and playing grabass with the Russians. Do you have any idea how much it costs to send a space shuttle into orbit? Me neither. But, I'm positive it's enough to feed every homeless person in the United States for years on end. But, c'mon, the Space Shuttle is cool! Maybe for a retarded third grader. Otherwise, it's a waste of money and robots and telescopes could easily do the work the "heroes" on the shuttle are doing.

Goddamnit I hate Lance Armstrong and the Space Shuttle.

Look, we can solve the nations dipshit fix for ever if we just send a solar-powered, bike-riding robot to Mars and every summer we can watch it scale Olympus Mons like the champ that it is.



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Lance Armstrong likes jelly donuts.