Monday, November 2, 2009

Rare Birds

Rare Birds

"Christ this country sucks."

-Me, last night, hearing that Kerry/Edwards are already hiring lawyers in case Bush tries to steal the election again, then thinking "my God, people are still gonna vote for the thief"

While the Guy Who Sits behind Me surfs the web for dates, I thought I would take this time to announce my allegiance to the Cavity Creeps.
You remember the Cavity Creeps - those evil, mongoloid trolls that were depicted in Crest commercials? Of course you do.
Why, Matt, would you pledge your allegiance to the Cavity Creeps? Well, it's simple: my country sucks. And, although my country sucks, every other country sucks just as much.
In fact, if each country on Earth literally sucked the shit that they do, we would solve the world's waste problem and have enough methane energy to build a new sun.
I guess this all occurred to me last night, as my venom and hatred of the current administration spilled over into my dreams. I dreamed that the White House was a neat set of pearly-white teeth and that the Cavity Creeps were devouring it.
Can I be arrested for dreaming of the Cavity Creeps eating the White House?
I'm not sure. Probably. Because when corporations run a country, and they own a president, they can release the dogs on you just as quickly as if you were treading in their own corporate offices. And if you are dropping either foot in the U.S.A., you are in their corporate offices.
But, it's not really the current administration that really boils my blood – no, it's the toad-faced, shit suckers that support the bastards.
So, what it all boils down to is that (apparently) half my country supports monsters with the hubris and greed the size of Dennis Miller's vocab.
Speaking of which, can someone tell Dennis that he's no longer relevant? I saw him in concert a couple years ago and he was reciting the same schtick he was doing when Dana Carvey still had a career. Also, looking up long words in the dictionary and putting the F word in between them doesn't count as creativity or genius.
Furthermore, anyone who plays a Tears for Fears song over the credits to their show should be disemboweled by a hungry Mr. Belevedere.

Adding to my country's problems is the shear lack of any bold, creative, and revolutionary leader. If there was ever a time for a George Washington, it's now.
Let's say, for argument's sake, that some guy came around and started really telling the truth: that we're the biggest cry-baby, me-me-me, blame everyone else, self-important, land snatching, racist, hate filled, two-year-old, ridiculous, lying, trite, dimwitted troglodytes to grace God's green Earth. And this includes every color, race, and creed of the good ole' 50 states.
Not only that: but, we need help. Lord, do we need help.
Hell, just look at the Guy Who Sits Behind Me playing air drums as I write this.
The next time someone explains to you how much they work, or how they did the right thing that they were supposed to do, or how they're spending 50 grand on an SUV with money from a frivolous lawsuit because of their sex, race, Yoda ears; think to yourself – what the hell would President Washington do???
I bet he'd tell the fat ox who complains about her back, takes the elevator up one floor, orders an entire side of the menu with a Diet Coke, bilks the company out of a grand for ergonomic electro-static seats, and says "go on girl" too fucking much that she needs to eat shit and die and that our entire country should tread on
I bet he'd take one look at the kid with the shaved head, pants to his ankles, beeping and whistling to music no one hears and if they did they'd find that spending money and banging hookers is life's greatest spoils, speaking in what can only be described as tongues, racking up 200 grand on a credit card, living off of drug dealing and a lawsuit with the school district for not making him smart to take a leap off a boatful of tea.
I bet ole' George would take the scum sucking, pompous, war mongering, tax cutting, draft dodging, lying, cheating, rigging, thieving, eating so much shit it makes them wince at the camera, bloated, blasphemous, preaching, Jesus freakin', slam dancing this nation into war and economic ruin pukes and yell to the American people "THE SHITFACES ARE COMING! THE SHITFACES ARE COMING!"
It would only take George one hour to realize that our culture is for shit: some old, cretin, backwoods cracker and a woman who rhymes with Okra telling our people that everything can be solved by blaming yourself....unless you're a minority...and unless you're rich and famous....and unless your name ends with Cruise and starts with Tom...and unless you agree with them. Meanwhile, he'd get the treat of watching "reality" TV where hundreds of over privileged white pukes (and one black) fight to prove that not only are they worth more than the countries they visit, they can throw that weight all over said nations, at the expense of our brainwaves and their economy.
But, George is in the ground and no one is going to stand up and be any different...ever. Why? Because money controls everything and always has. When was the last time some schmo from the projects was nominated? Hell, the only way you have a chance is if you have never taken any chances with anything.
If I had to vote, I would hope the candidate - would demand the candidate had tried drugs, anal sex, Communism, petty theft, underwater basket weaving, space flight, heavy petting with a 17 year old, drinking Coke with Pop Rocks...hell, you name it.
But, keep telling your children that they can be anything they want: unless of course, they're human and not pond scum. In which case, they can be anything that the government and society will let them.
We kill almost all of our heroes and will continue to as long as we, by majority, keep living up to our own expectations of elected shit-faced, scum-bag, baby-eating (stretching it, could be true), nazi, elite, Aryan, incompetent flea bags of mouse shit and ass detritus.
Sure, maybe Washington wasn't the greatest man on Earth. Hell, the bastard probably owned slaves. But, wasn't the entire purpose of this American experience to continue to better and better ourselves?
Yes, yes it was.
So, when I get a bunch of responses from flea-bitten Limbaugh scum saying "Well, if you don't like it, get out" or "Well, we're better than any other country" I think I would remind them of this experiment we are living in and how it may still be possible to hate your country, swear allegiance to Cavity Creeps, and love your country deeply all at the same time. And by thinking that way you're on your way to changing the country – and any change would be a reflection of the ideals that made this nation.

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