Monday, August 9, 2010

Automated Lumberyard

Automatic Lumberyard

"Did you get your fucking bargain?" reads the sign outside.
It's the automatic lumberyard. God, I've been waiting on this my whole life.
I woke up early, and drove to Taco Bell for food. But, Taco Bell was closed, so I ate at Dick's.
I got so sick that I swore to Billy Idol that I would never eat at Dick's again, no matter what Sir Mix-A-Lot says.
My sickness ran into a headache and I had to drive clutching my head. I wanted to peel it open and rip out the sickness, but I kept driving to the automatic lumberyard instead.
Lumber is very important to me. I've been collecting it since I was 27. I'm 28 now, and my collection has grown by leaps and bounds. I have a 2-by-4 from Italy that's worth .29$. I have it on my mantle, above my fireplace; my wife thinks that's dangerous, but I told her the kids always play nice with the lumber.
My kids love the lumber. My son Roger made a small fort out of it up in our Birch tree. The fort has fallen under his weight about nine times, but he keeps rebuilding it. He's a real scout. I just wish that last fall didn't make him retarded.
Did I mention I've had every item on the Taco Bell menu?
Good, cause I'd be lying. I've only eaten at Taco Bell twice and it was for the kid's birthdays. Yeah, they get all excited when we take them someplace nice for dinner. We get all dressed up and drink a bunch of milk beforehand, so that nobody can eat too much.
But, back to the lumber: my collection of "Choose Your Own Adventure Books" is now 45 books deep. I've chosen more adventures than Buzz Aldren. Like the one about where I flew a plane into the Andes and died. I really thought I was dead for a while, until my wife told me that it was just a book, and not real. Even though it was my choice to fly into the Andes.
My wife is a real sport. She plays Golden-T and Pong most of the day and has lost none pounds.
God, I wanna get really fat one day and buy lumber.
So, I get to the Automatic Lumberyard and there's this sign that says "Did you get a fucking bargain today, or what?" I think that sign answers its own question.
I drove in up the gravelliness of the ingrade that was retrograde to the car's balance and fucking forgot what I was doing and ended up in this other dimension before I could adjust my sandtree and jesus this is some wild turkey.
The automaticlumberyard was created in 1986 and was first used to make the second hand on Swatches.
Here's how it works:

Root around in the clutter of bottles and boxes under your kitchen sink and you'll realize that, in most houses, storage for household items gets much less attention than storage for clothes. You wouldn't be willing to crawl around on all fours to get to your favorite sweater, yet most of us do this all the time to get to Mr. Clean. It's a rare architect that provides handy space for such items.

And it's been doing things their way since 1926. So, to follow up:
I have shingles and it hurts to bleed.
My wife and I have bought stock in the automaticlumberyard and one day we're going to buy the "Toys R Us" at the mall and then we will live like Kings. Which reminds me to tape my favorite show "King of Queens."
It's this show about ants.
So, when I got to the lumberyard the manager is all like "Hey, what kind of lumber do you want to buy?"
So, I tell him that it's important that I get my hands on some dowels. You see, my children have never heard of dowels, so I thought they'd make a good stocking stuffer.
So, he goes "Well, my friend, you just push that dowel button and you'll be in dowel heaven."
So, I push this button that says "Chipper" and it kills me and I die and go to dowel heaven and I get these dowels for my kids and then on Christmas I ram my head through the chimney and give my kids these dowels and then I go back to dowel heaven.
Which really doesn't explain why I'm in Ballard, Washington right now, but, I am. I'm at Denny's and all I can say is: Hey, life's like that.

No comments: