Sunday, August 8, 2010

My Way

So, let me Explain Time Travel

Some of you have wondered who Levi Larrington is. Well, he doesn't end sentences with prepositions – ha!

But, no, all kidding aside, Levi is a time traveler.

How do I know? Because I know all about time travel – for I do it all the time.

Watch this.

See, I just traveled through time: .48 seconds into the future.

Time travel has a lot to do with physics, you see. Without physics there could be no time travel.

This means that if they didn't teach physics in classrooms and talk about it in Universities, we would all be stuck in time waiting for the next infinitely split second to occur.

That's why we teach physics.

It's like when we didn't have the Bible and we were left to beat women over the head in order to spread our seed.

Let me go back in time and see where we were without the Bible.

K, I'm back. See, when you time travel, you can come back to the exact point in time you left: or even before.

Well, all is well in cavemanville. I just went back in time to B.C. You know, before the Bible and that one dude who got hung on a cross.

Well, I'll tell you where we were: dinosaurs roamed the Earth and some of them were used for construction. Not only that, a large pterodactyl was used to punch time cards.

Man, that was a fun journey, but it's nothing like my trip to before T.V. That was amazing. Everyone in a household would sit around and talk to each other and they didn't really have much to say.

So, for instance, instead of seeing who gets voted off the island you get this:

"Mom, can I take my bike down to Rogan's pond with Jimmy and Harold to go fishing tomorrow?"


That's what passed for entertainment before T.V.

So, to summarize, man's greatest leap was T.V. and we should reset the calendar in accordance.

Therefore, today's date would be February 3, 78.

Isn't that amazing?!
But, where were we?

Ah, yes, we were talking about my trip to the future.

Did you know that in the future T.V. will be implanted in our brains and our lives will be programmable and some times you have to wake up to a rerun.

It's true.

But, the trouble is, you can't change anything, you have to live through it.

So, if you wake up to that day when your coworker kept looking over your shoulder to see what you were working on and hours later, drunk, you thought about how it would have been awesome to use your mouse like a mace and beat her unrecognizable, but it was too late. Well, in the rerun, you'll still have no power to change that.

Not only that, but in the year 3098 a team of rogue scientists will build a small sun in the outer reaches of the solar system and will start a large colony on Pluto.

The planet will be colonized by robotic dinosaurs that have been built to taste test stuff, but while tasting a new brand of cola, they will acquire self awareness and make up some God who sends his son down from RoboDino heaven to teach us all a lesson.

His son will be named RoboJesus and he'll try to teach the world that masturbation is evil. But, then he will be scrapped and used for sheet metal, but all the RoboSaurs will remember him and thus hatch a colony on Pluto where they can live in religious freedom.

Oh, and I forgot the part about the RoboSaurs being able to time travel as well. In fact, they are here now and are infiltrating our society by posing as children's toys.

It's true.

But, I guess I have failed to explain how you time travel. It's quite simple. First, you put down a bunch of equations that no one will understand. You must involve the letters E, M, C, and numerous powers.

Powers are those little baby numbers that I'm too lazy to format on Word. So, you'll have to put up with big numbers. Here is the equation to go to the year 1897:

E to the ninth power plus C to the eleventh power subtract E to the sixth power carry the one and divide by 1897 to the third power and add M.

Pretty amazing. So, once you figure that equation out (show work) you will be magically transported to the year 1897. I wouldn't recommend going to 1897, though. The food sucks and if you've read The Jungle you'll know why.

But, it does occur to me that some of you are not that great in math. I'm looking at you red states!

Ha, but I kid.

There are other forms of time travel that do not involve equations. Like building a time machine.

For your time machine you'll need the following:

A brick (1)

Take the brick in your hands and raise it above your head. Now, drop it.

The next thing you know, you'll be hours or even weeks away from where you came from. But, the drawback is you can't go back in time.

So, if you want to go back in time I suggest this method:

Get in car, airplane, bus, train, etc.

Drive, fly, etc. to any precinct, parish, city, county, etc. that voted red.

If you're lucky, you'll see a real, live person who believes that evolution is nonsense and stem cells lead rich lives.

So, there you have it. I've given you all the tools you need to be a time traveler like Levi.

Why do you think he's still at large?

If you said "Time travel, Matt!" you're correct.



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