Monday, August 9, 2010

Go with Your Gut

I'm Huge in Finland and Sweden

Like the Onanist that I am, I frequent my stat site.
This is where I can see how many visitors have been to my site, what country they live in, and how they found my site.
Well, all those from the United States I can't really distinguish from people I'm friends with, and therefore aren't really "fans" in the sense that I'm known outside my small pocket of drunks that I hang out with.
And before I reach stardom for short stories about Ozzie Smith and dinosaurs that rape, I must gather an international audience.
So, it was kind of odd to find that a number of my visitors are from Sweden and Finland (2), and that they didn't just come across the site, they bookmarked it.
What does this mean? Well, considering I hate myself and want to die, I would guess that it's web spiders.
My understanding of web spiders is that they are these science fictionesque Internet arachnids that digitally "crawl" through the pipes of the worldwide webbing and find all the different sites, so that search engines, like Google, can find information for users.
So, when you type in "man eats Jackie Chan's fecal matter" my site will pop up as relevant.
Otherwise, this means that the Finish and Swedes find this site amusing.
I doubt it, but with my limited knowledge of any piece of land barring Kent, Washington, I have this idea that it's pretty cold and dark in both Finland and Sweden.
And I guess having sex with a stem cell, milking Lionel Ritchie, and sending swarms of drunk drivers to Afghanistan to win the war over there is pretty cold and dark.
So, if it's true, that these are not web crawlers and actually "fans" or passerbyers at a car wreck (this site is strewn with the dead and decapitated arms and legs of terrible writing), then WELCOME, SALUTATIONS, GOOD EVENING!
I too live in a dark and cold climate – Seattle.
Facts about Seattle:

We have a festival every October where we burn effigies of Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix and sacrifice a computer to our Rock god in the sky. It's called The Milking of Magnesia.

Nine out of ten Seattleites have to spell check Seattleites.

We have the largest bust of Rick James in the nation.

We boast the infamous Organic Egyptian Crossing Bird. A piece of poultry from the 19th century that was made into a chicken sandwich and then whipped and deep fried in avocado and served in microscopic portions. So far, we've eaten 3/4ths of it since its discovery in 1828.

Our primary source of income is apples. We trade them for other foodstuffs with the modest men and women of Tacoma. Tacoma specializes in gang rape and assisted suicide.

There are nine ways to alternate dimensions outside my doorstep and I've been too depressed to ever be excited enough about them to walk through. This is common in this city.

Our Mayor is a goat named Earl and he will soon have to commit sodomy with Francis Farmer's dead corpse in order to run for another term.

We sell seashells on the seashore and play riddle games with trees.

The average IQ is somewhere between 90 and 250.

Our official seal is a Whopper and a Big Mac with a boxing glove in the background. No one knows why.

Well, I hope this has been helpful. And if you are a digital web crawler, I offer you this: hey, don't enslave me and make me a part of a large matrix-like video game, because you know, I've never treated an Atari badly. Sure, there was that time I enslaved my Nintendo and forced it to have ritual sex with my ex-girlfriend, but that was just a sex thing; it wasn't a slavery thing.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving, or national equivalent.
Roasting in a two by four box of Otter Pops,
Dis Elle Xick

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