Sunday, August 8, 2010

Believe it or Not

Imagine Insane

When we enjoyed fried salmon we were great.

Sutured to my one fried eye was the lesson the great elders of the North brought down to my homeland in bedding and rabies.

"Hear ye! Hear yeah!"

The drums start cooking and I have to admit that I have a telescope attached to my eye. This all makes sense if you would only listen.

"Boys and girls gather and listen to what the monk just said! He said that we come in peace and that we are all equal under God's eyes and that we all share the same economy and love the same wine. We taste good and make good and we should all come together as one. Isn't that beautiful?"

He's standing on the pulpit and he's winking at the crowd and nodding his head. He doesn't realize we're all insane. Gone right out of our minds. Listening to birds in our heads that keep muttering the same tired lines:

When will they come?

When will they come?

And as we haven't started

We have just begun!

The man steps down and bows to the monk.

The monk is wearing one of those old German Keiser helmets. He looks very proud of himself and begins speaking above the waves that hit the shore behind us.

"Here on this remote island in the middle of nowhere, you have come to listen to me, the monk. You see there are a lot of things we can do to be saved. Your soul is your fortune; don't spend it unwisely. There is no "I" in team. Listen, my father Tom Bosley will bail us out of this one." He laughs to himself and begins peeling an orange. He forgets that the crowd is listening to him and begins chuckling to himself as he hears the birds in his head.

The people all work to be broken and

Break to be fixed

The people won't help work for

Each other

You can be sure of this

The master of ceremonies guides him off the pulpit and into the dark of the jungle.

There's a single shot fired and we all nod to ourselves appreciatively.

The master of ceremonies comes out again and looks around the crowd for another insane man to introduce as a monk.

This has been going on for years.

You often wonder how you got here and how long you will stay.

Someone has put a pig's head on a pole and everyone is afraid to become fat or wear glasses.

You often wonder what's going on in the rest of the world and whether it's been blown up.

You hope so.

Rumors circle round about large zeppelins, the size of islands, making rounds and dropping bombs on the prisons and sanitariums.


A new monk walks to the pulpit and adjusts his tie.

He must be new.

"Sorry for the interruption," the master of ceremonies says, "but, there has been a change of heart by the monk." He windmills his hands in an act of respect for the perfect stranger he has just handed the religion to.

The perfect stranger is handed the microphone, which he tries to lick. The master of ceremonies takes it from him and says "Like this," into the mic.

The perfect stranger looks around at the sound of the master of ceremonies, like an idiot.

Another wave hits the beach hard and we all look around.

"I am Arnold." The perfect stranger says.

Someone hits Arnold in the face with feces and Arnold begins to cry. He's weeping into the microphone and praying to Maria Shriver for some reason.

"The show is over." The master of ceremonies takes the mic and packs it up and leaves the pulpit.

Guns fire into the crowd and we disperse into the jungle.

In the jungle you will find many things to kill time.

Like clocks.

Our captors are smart and knew that boredom would be our biggest instigation to rise up. Therefore, they littered the jungle with cheap wristwatches in the hopes that we would kill time.

I've not only killed time, I've forcefully slapped it against the bark of trees for hours on end until hours and seconds litter the jungle floor.

Time flies when you're throwing it at the branches of coconut trees.

Other activities and/or poem:

Underwater basket weaving

Gun toting

Religion making


Learning to smother with love

Writing a resume for God

Loving too much to hate

Hating too much to love

Loving the hatred in you

Learning to find the Connie Chung inside all of us

How to stab a bear

But, you tire of self-help and you walk out onto the shore and watch the waves smash against your body and try to forget that you realized why you're out here.


It's a large animal that eats those who try to escape. It's half fried rice and half too much grain alcohol.

I walk into a wave as the newest monk begins his sermon. I'm dead and gone by the end of it, washed out into the reef like a star slung into the night sky.

"Greetings. Have you been well? Have you had your fill of the telly? I'd offer you herbal enhancers so that your partner could find a reason to love you, but I'm all out. Would you like to make some real money? Real fast? Look, I'm not going to lie to you: I'm going to lie to you. I have 14% APR. ASTERISK! The APR becomes 26% after the first purchase, unless you enroll in my point of the month club! You can gain points while spending! It's just that easy. You sir, eating the spiders! Have you thought about how much you'll save by enrolling in this program? It's pennies a day and you can work from home. Here's the computer that we'll fasten to your rib cage. Not satisfied yet? Well, looky here. Porn! Think about it! Lesbians and group sex all at the touch of your fingers! You want hard-core erotica? We got that, and football and basketball non-stop, round the clock – in all 50 states! Puerto Rico, Grenada, Hawaii, Washington, Alabama, Illinois, New York, Connecticut residents need not apply. Unhappy with our free religion? Well, keep it for 40 days and nights and return it if you still find the same emptiness greeting you everyday! It's just that simple! Act now and we'll even show you how to put all these free offers into a corporate monopoly that resembles Jesus in it's free credit, all inclusive raping of you and your family! And with the help of our government and law enforcement, you'll be guaranteed to enjoy our service. But, act now, supplies may have lasted some 2000 years, but they may run dry..."

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