Monday, August 9, 2010

Neural Interference

The New Nirvana Box Set Totally Reminded me of Wanting to Kill Myself in High School

God, this new box set is really great. I totally didn't think it would be this good. Seriously. I'm not one to really get into live stuff or demo crud – but, this rawked the house, ya'll.
I bought it yesterday at Costco. I shop there a lot now. I'm 28, a technical writer, and rent a pretty nice studio in Seattle. Most of my day consists of writing technical documents for computers and "thinking out of the box" and having group meetings where we discuss standards for our documents and how best to apply them. I enjoy visiting my sister and brother-in-law and their son, my nephew. I spend a great deal of time reading about politics and have been reading more and more about philosophy. Lately, I listen to a lot of rave or dance music – nothing with lyrics. A good day for me is when I can complete a document or two, send updates to programmers, and make it home in time to make dinner, do laundry, take a shower and watch the news.
So, it was with great amazement to find that I wanted to kill myself yesterday.
You see, I'm not really in the angst ridden time of my life anymore where the idea of cutting my jugular and hoping my middle finger will rigor into one last "fuck you" to each and everyone is an idea that sounds pretty cool.
But, after the second listen to the second disc in the new Nirvana box set, I totally reverted to my age 18 id and found myself reading old love notes from girlfriends, staring at their pictures, and even thinking about calling them, one last time to say "goodbye."
I knew what was going on – all the old angst and depression of the Nirvana catalogue totally rekindled how cool it was to be 18, depressed and suicidal.
I get kinda misty-eyed just thinking about.
Like the time I listened to "Milk It" over and over and drank five beers in the attempt to become a cool drug-addled misfit.
Of course beer isn't really a hard drug, but in 1994, in Kent, Washington, that's all we had around.
I did, however, weigh 130 pounds at 6 ft – so, I resembled a heroin addict. So, that was cool.
I remember most of the time I couldn't eat because I was still in love with this girl who broke up with me in 1993.
Man, I totally remember all that now. The pain, the anger, the depression – man, what ever happened to those days?
Well, they're still there. I just needed the right key.
Last night, after listening to disc 3 a few times, I called my ex-girlfriend and hung up. Then, I wrote a love poem to her and burned it immediately – just to crush all the beauty that was left in my life.
It's really weird, cuz a couple of days ago that would've seem really childish, lame, and pathetic. Not to mention the whole ego trip thing that goes along with anyone who wants to be an artist and has no talent.
Geesh, life's funny like that.
So, I've either got to start listening to more rave music, or I better start getting used to taking long walks on Piers at 2 in the morning full of wine and ugly poetry.
Man, this really is a good box set, though.
Christ, I wish I were dead.

Georgia O' Kweef

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