Sunday, August 8, 2010

My Way

Aides Outline State of the Union

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- President Bush in his State of the Union address Wednesday night will offer some new details of how he wants giant Tyrannosaurus Rex's to walk the Earth again and devour Social Security accounts.

President Bush will make his (ahem) address at 9 p.m. ET (0200 GMT Thursday).

He will talk about goals for the U.S. military mission in Iraq, like getting a "do over" from the insurgents.

Previewing the speech to reporters, a senior administration official said it is a "unique" speech in that it will be delivered in complete gibberish. Like the staunch warning to Iran "You cull, I'll coming down stair truck rake!"

Without applause, the speech runs about 3 minutes. With applause the speech will run until the tap is dry.

Much of the domestic agenda will be familiar, as Bush calls on Congress to pass "Secret Initiative Number 23" in which Hitler will be brought back from the dead to finally let Dick Cheney enter the 9th circle of Dante's inferno in peace.

But the signature domestic theme will be Social Security, and since most Americans feel this is an issue they couldn't comprehend with 100% of their brains, Bush will litter the speech with f-bombs to keep his cabinet awake.

The senior official who briefed reporters said Bush "will advance the ball" on Social Security and offering his advice that young people take up smoking so that they might die early and avoid years of homelessness as he drops Social Security benefits all over the Middle East in the form of bunker busters.

One model Bush will cite is the thrift savings accounts available to members of Congress and federal employees. This is like telling children that they can save up for a bike by selling lemonade.

Bush for months has said he would not negotiate with himself or in public by offering much detail on how he wants Social Security changes to unfold. Polls show that the American people feel it is very important that a president be able to admit that he holds sessions on domestic policy with himself in the bathroom while holding a bible. Other negotiations the President has had with himself: nacho or cheddar? Beef or turkey jerky? Nazi red or Pinochet blue?

In addition, many Republicans have complained to the White House that their constituents are uneasy and that are worried that their large corporate talons may not be reaching the average American voter who for some reason likes to bitch about healthcare and social security.

The senior official at the briefing told reporters that after Wednesday night's speech there would be no question that Bush will annex Iran and begin plans for the Toledo V2 factory to open in 2006.

The officials suggested Bush would provide more insight on where he draws the line between one Theocratic Dictatorship and another. But, he will speak on how Saudi Arabia is like "a 50th state" to him.

The official repeatedly refused to answer when asked if Bush could identify and operate a shovel.

But he suggested the president would make clear there are difficult choices to be made, and maybe a shovel to him is more like a rake or a tractor.

In the half of the speech dedicated to domestic issues, Bush will close his mouth and hum the "Glory, Glory Hallelujah" song with the alternative "Hit me with a ruler" lyrics playing in his mind.

Democrats have blamed the Bush tax cuts for the record deficits, and promise to do more jack and shit about it.

In the half of the speech dedicated to international issues, Bush will claim progress in both Iraq and Afghanistan. If the President can hold a straight face, he will continue his speech and implore Americans to embrace his plan of total Mars domination by 2007.

On Iraq, he will cite the elections as a historic circle jerk where anyone who wasn't up to vote for the puppet regime was locked up and beaten by inbred Southerners who joined the armed forces for "the guns and stuff."

Aides promise an upbeat assessment of the prospects for reviving the Middle East peace process, like the prospect of Santa Claus coming to town and making all the savages magically praise Jesus and open Walmarts and McFalaffels.

And while steering clear of an "Axis of Evil" formulation, he will speak of the nuclear showdowns with Iran and North Korea, making clear that he continues to believe both can be resolved through the implementation of giant T-Rex's, one of which he will personally ride into Tehran wearing a flight suit.

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