Sunday, August 8, 2010

My Way

Somethings I Just Thought Of

Like this one time:

I'm in eighth grade and I got this bag of those really tiny jellybeans they sell around Easter. My teacher asks if I have enough for everyone? Like, you know – put them away. Well, there's probably a good thousand in one of those bags, so I went about giving everyone in the class one.


So, my ex and me are all super stoned and we're in the RV up at Whistler. Well, we want to make a pizza with that Boboli crap, but the oven in the RV is busted. So, we decided to put cheese and sauce on a fourthed Boboli and fry it like a grilled cheese.

It was delicious.

But, maybe not this delicious:

"Dude, you know what we could do?"


"We could totally sell this – in the RV."

"You mean like those losers who sell shitty food at Dead concerts?"


This fantasy went on into the night.

Beer Math

There's less alcohol in six light beers than in five regular beers.

Think about it.

State of the Union

We're fucked.

My Sister Steals Cheese from Me

It's true.

Awesome Story Involving Lesbians and Vampires

There were these three lesbians and this one vampire and they totally had this adventure in Nebraska.

Reasons why you should Read On

1. More lesbians

2. More Vampires

This Lesbian Vampire I Know

Her name was Stacy. She was a hot lesbian vampire and she was trying to quit the life.

She found hope in AA, where she replaced "drink" with "blood."

"Hello. I'm Stacy. I'm a...alcoholic."

"Hi, Stacy."

"I guess it all started when I was bitten.... by alcohol. I was sixteen and I was on this date with this...alcoholic. She showed me the thrills of getting drunk and how

I Can't Finish that Story

Seriously, I have no ideas for that one. I mean, you have the lesbionics and the vampiriffic horror, but where from there?


Let's speak in gibberish for a while to run out the clock.

You are not a movie star. Your character, affect, and personality may resemble a wacky neighbor from TV, or a street gangster from the movies – but you are not a movie star. Movie stars are strange, brilliant creatures who ride subways to find out about real life.

You ride the subway because you are broke and enjoy staring out the window, pretending to be someone with important problems.

Sure, your entire speech in the meeting earlier was ripped out of a Tarantino film and everyone laughed, cuz they didn't see it. But, you are no movie star.

You are a small person, with petty problems. You enjoy drinking Tang and eating ring dings.

All the livelong day.

You are no hero, no help, and no work of art.

You'll sit at home, staring at the TV with the sound off and pretend that you are somewhat deep. But, deep in your mind you are thinking about how long you have till you need to go to bed for work and if you have time to cook a pizza and how in the morning you'll listen to talk radio instead of your new Coldplay CD and how at work there's that one woman who keeps giving you shit about some report you were supposed to file and about how tomorrow your favorite reality show is on and

You are no movie star.

Your life could never have been any different. If you were in a plane that crashed in the Andes, you would not have survived, you would have strayed off on your own and fallen off a cliff, thinking that there's "gotta be a Burger King somewhere."

A starship lands in your backyard and you meet the ruler of Jupiter who pretty much blows your mind. You do not respond in a long speech about how we humans are not perfect and that it would be hard to say who are leader really is and how we seek peace.

You stare at the ship and say "those are some awesome lights."

You are no hero.

You find out that your mom has just died, you lost your job, and your significant other dumped you. You?

a) Draw a bath slowly, listening to Elliot Smith, then drain your veins of blood

b) Walk to the top of the roof, stare down at traffic with Radiohead in the background, look up, then down, single tear and then drop to your death

c) Take out a kitchen knife, run it across your wrists with The Wall in the background, make a scrape, worry that it will be infected, get some gauze, make a pizza, wake up two hours later throwing up the bottle of Schnapps you just drank

You picked "C."

There will be no credits at the end of your life and your cool/shitty friends will not be all that involved at the end.

Your personal soundtrack will resemble nine hundred thousand others and the one or two "indie" bands will turn out to be major in the Netherlands.

You won't die of the following:


Plane/Auto wreck




Nuclear War

Chinese Sea Monkey

You will die of one of the following:






So, now that we have that square, run off and play. Your life is ahead of you.

No comments: