Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Ohio Recount

Ohio Recount

There has been tremendous speculation in the underground news recently that vast numbers of votes were either over counted or undercounted. Some say it's voter fraud, others feel the E-voting was rigged by Republican company Diebold, still others feel that the machines and systems are just plain faulty.
In a democracy that relies on elections to preserve said democracy, it's important that we have a fair and balanced recount.
That's why I've started my own grassroots recount.
Here it is. I took a sample of the population and I plan on basing my statistics off them. I have taken a plumber, a CEO, a hairdresser, and a retired teacher.
Let's look at the results.

Arnold Plumber, Plumber
Arnold recounts: "It was raining and very cold most of the day, and I had just left the Denny's. I had a Swiss and olive omelet. It was delicious. I think I had coffee or coke with it. After that, I left and drove to the polls. On the way I shotgunned a beer and honked at these kids that were skateboarding in the street. I remember thinking the kids looked like real bastards. Anyway, so I got to the polling place and stood in line. I drank two more beers while standing there. I think they were Olympias. I'm not sure. I wasn't smashed or anything. Then, an hour later, I voted."

Blaine Davey, CEO of big company
Blaine recounts: "I had left the office early. I was extremely pissed off that I had to go to a polling place in the first place. I had lost my absentee ballot, and I was very passionate about the election. Although, I almost didn't go at all. I heard about the lines and all and the thought of standing around like a homeless person wasn't very appealing. In line, there was this terrible man drinking beer. He kept raving about some kids on skateboards or some such drivel. I shot him a look, but he wouldn't shut up. I think he might have been a plumber, seeing as he had a plunger strapped to his back and this sweatshirt that said 'I'm a plumber and I vote.'"

Linda Evans, hairdresser
Linda recounts: "Well, I had just gotten off work. I was giving this total lame-o a haircut and dye, when I remembered that our pastor had encouraged us to vote. I'm a very religious woman and I try to abide by the lord's word. So, I got off work and drove down to the polling place. When I got there, there was this man drinking beer and I remember asking him for one, when this guy in a suit shot me this mean look. I think he was a CEO of some big company, because he was on a cell phone. Anyway, so, the beer guy gave me a beer and we talked about how much we loved drinking beer. Well, long story short, me and Arnold are now dating! I'm so excited!"

Gary Indiana, retired teacher
Gary recounts: "Well, it was sunny as hell out. Man, that was a hot day. I had just gotten done sniffing model glue. I do that now that there's nothing left for me to do in life. You see, the old lady left me and the teaching is all over since I molested that skank in my 5th period. Lord, was I ripped that day – the voting day, not the day I banged that 17-year-old. So, I got in my car and tried to kill myself, but the car wouldn't start, so I went back in the house and started doing line after line of meth. Well, the TV was on and I saw that it was voting day or whatever. So, I killed the rest of the Smirnoff in the liquor cabinet and got on my bike to go vote. I don't know why, really. I'm not big into politics or anything...I guess I'm just lonely. So, I bike down to the polls and there's these skateboarders and for no reason at all, I tackle one of them and began beating him unmercifully. So, his friends pull me off and I bite one on the neck hard enough to break skin and he's all bleeding all over me. So, I run down the street yelling like a banshee 'Lordy! Lordy!' Well, this cop sees me and I run a little faster. By the time I get to the polling place I'm out of my mind hungry and I ask this woman if she has any tick tacs. She doesn't, but she gives me the rest of her beer. I down it in one slug and find it hard to wait in line. I'm totally antsy. So, I shove my way to the front of the line and before I know it, I'm voting G.W! G.W.! That's right, Gordon Wright, the best parole officer a man has ever had. Fuck, I was wasted that day."

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