Sunday, August 8, 2010


Home Invasion


Coming Down with a Case of the Loud


So Very High on Cold Medication


God Bless Johnny Carson

What kind of inane assjackery will come from these fingertips today?

Well, Johnny died over the weekend. This may not be a bad thing. If they keep running round the clock footage of his show, maybe people will realize how badly Jay Leno sucks balls.

Seriously, Jay is to Johnny Carson what Clay Aiken is to Nirvana.

I heard the news over at my mom's. My mom's neighbor for forever is Johnny's nephew. No joke. That means I've removed a few degrees of Bacon.

His nephew is funny, too. He comes by every year, to my mom's, with his kids for Halloween. My mom always has a beer waiting for him.

Very nice guy. Extremely talented uncle.

It's a shame, really, what happened to Johnny.

The only late show worse than Leno's was Arsenio's. But, Arsenio was black and white America wanted to relate by laughing at jokes about how big a "booty" was.

The same people who made Arsenio famous are the people who say "I'm not racist; I have a black friend." And those people mean the guy they are on a "hello" basis with at Safeway.

Well, the late wars ruined Johnny, installed Leno, and sold Letterman down the river. Now, there was an empty void.

But, then God made the Daily Show in seven days and all was well with the world.

So, there was a home invasion at my...uh, home.

Friday, I had an enjoyable movie night at my....home.

Yes, I had a date night: movies, a few beers, and pizza. The only weird thing was I didn't have a date.

I had Super Troopers and Fight Club from Netflix. Let's review:

Super Troopers: Dumb. But, I was drinking, so it was OK. I was told this movie was funny from some idiot that I won't speak to again. But, it was bearable enough to watch while drinking. So, if you want a "background" movie for some party, go ahead.

Fight Club: this wasn't the first time I've seen this; but this time around I will put it in my top ten of best films ever made. I remember when it came out I thought it was going to be something akin to that Roadhouse piece of shit. Little did I know, it would be the story of my life. Seriously, YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!

Well, nicely. So, then I ordered pizza Amante, with the free side salad coupon, and I have been living off it and will be till Tuesday.

So, it was a quiet evening of the bachelor.


Hours later, as I was sleeping, my neighvor entered my apartment.

"Matt, let's – Oh God. You're asleep."

"What the fuck?" This was me. The above was my neighvor. I've thrown off the shackles of English.

The door closes and I wince at the fact that I had dreamed she'd break in two nights before. But, in the dream she kissed me. There was no kiss this time.

No, she comes back with some dude. They keep trying to encourage me to come over and drink with them.

They probably just wanted to smoke indoors, but anyways...

"Dude, I can tell you're cool from your Taxi Driver and Shining posters." This came from the dude, and I appreciated his encouragement.

I'm still in bed, with the covers up over my head screaming, "It's bedtime! It's fucking bedtime!"

I found out later, it was four in the morning. I probably would've gotten up and partied if:

a) It was two women, instead of the neighvor and some random dude.

b) I hadn't eaten three pieces of pizza and smelled like Archie Bunker's foreskin.

"Get out!"

"But, you left the door open. Why was the door open?"

"Because, I had to let the pizza man in!" I know this doesn't make sense. I don't know why I left the door open.

"You didn't get pizza!" I don't know why she questioned the truth surrounding my pizza delivery.

"Yeah, I did! Check the fridge." And she actually did.

They left shortly after repeating "Come drink with us!" nine more times.

Soon, they were out on the community deck smoking, drinking and keeping me the fuck up.

So, the neighvors have not left my life. No, they are still a large part of it in a breaking and entering sort of way.

The next day I picked up Josh.

He was busy ruining his CD player somehow.

From there, we drove to B.F.E. in search of Scott's new home.

Same as it ever was. Dude, the place looks exactly like his old house. Except, now it's a daycare.

Kids all over the place. It was one of those "I'm an adult now" moments that I loathe.

We watched Napoleon Dynamite and drank beer and ate pizza and pretzels that Scott's daughter had de-salted for us.

She was licking the salt off and then giving them to us.

This was disgusting.

Kids are like that some times.

Napoleon Dynamite is also in my top ten.

See that movie. Do yourself a favor.

Oh, and remember to watch the scene that is after all the credits for this juicy line:

"I tamed a wild stallion for you both."

After that, it was a drive through traffic to get back home in time to go to the

**************LED ZEPPELIN COVER BAND****************

Yes, the famed Led Zeppelin cover band of yore. Courtesy of Chris.

I'm making the sarcastic "big deal" of this in an attempt to show exactly how big this event was for Chris.

Chris has been planning this event for a month...even though it's only a Led Zeppelin cover band.

Chris is an idiot. But, he's married...well, will be...and when you're married, a night out with "the boys" is paramount to the Second Coming.

Speaking of Second Comings, Mel Gibson is still a douche bag.

Well, we went across the street to the Great Nabob, had a drink and left for the concert at the Phoenix.

It was gay.

Sorry, it just kinda sucked. The band was descent, but it was hot, loud and smoky.

And I smoke.

I came down with Scott Mccarron syndrome, whereas you become sick at concerts because of the above.

I left. Contemplated buying a porno. Didn't. Cabbed home. Got more beer. Had three and watched Fight Club again. Went to bed.

The next day I spent high on cold medication, returning random items to people.

Now I'm here. At work. Writing for so you can read.

I love you all.

So very, very much.



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