Sunday, August 8, 2010


For Valentine's Day


It's me, Matt. I've decided that today I will give you all some helpful hints on finding that special someone this Valentine's day. And if you already have a special someone, below are some ways to keep that special someone close to your heart.

Let's start with getting yourself laid.

Now, I decided to research this thoroughly and I have come up with a list, gathered from watching porno, of lines you can use to get yourself laid.

Here we go:

1. What are you doing here?

2. I'm here to fix the (insert pretty much anything. Even sandwiches work)

3. Me and my girlfriend thought we'd stop by...

4. Would you mind if I smoke while you eat?

5. Hey baby, suck on my cock. (eat my pussy)

6. I've never tried that before.

7. My pussy is so wet. (dick so hard)

8. You're making me so hot.

9. I saw you over there and thought I'd come by.

10. I want to come on your tits.

There you have it.

So, now that you have the line – it's time to go hunting for that special someone.

Now, most people will tell you that the best place to meet people is church, nightclub, social functions, work, etc.

This is bullocks. The best place to meet people is in places where you will catch them with their guard down and they will be forced to be polite.

Here is a list of favorites:

1. Arby's

2. At a gas pump

3. Movie theater

4. Grocery store

5. Porno shop

6. While driving (Morse code honking)

7. In the bathroom (depending on orientation, you may have to risk walking into other gender bathroom)

8. Army recruitment office

9. Elevator

10. Cafeteria

So, let's put it together:

You're at Arby's ordering a steak sandwich and a potato and you look next to you and see that special someone.

You begin ordering and pause, look over at (her/him) and say "What are you doing here?"

They respond, "My pussy is so wet (dick so hard)."

You reply "You're making me so hot."

They reply "Eat my pussy (suck on my cock)."

And there you have it: love.

Now, after you consummate your love in the bathroom of the Arby's, it's time to form a relationship.

A relationship is a lot like a donut: it's always got a hole in it that can never be filled. Well, unless you buy donut holes to go along with the relationship, then I guess the metaphor breaks down like so many isotopes in a nuclear reactor.

What you need to do is continuously fill your partner's hole with love. This usually consists of giving of yourself in the form of sex, money, and awesome party conversation.

The latter is the cheapest.

You see, your partner wants you to be socially adept and you must mix well with friends and family.

In these instances you'll need awesome things to talk about. Here is a list of awesome things to talk about to make your lover's friends and such like you:

1. How love is like a donut.

2. Isotopes

3. Porno movie lines that are funny

4. Where you work

5. The joke about the Japanese guy and the supplies (unless Japanese people are present)

6. Your blog that is outstanding and grammatically correct!

7. How (INSERT ANYTHING) is overrated

8. Something you cooked in the last month

9. How Republicans/Democrats (depending on side of town) are fucking idiots.

10. How great/bad (see above) the war in Iraq is.

K, so now that you are socially adept, you'll need some sex skills. Now, the best way to please your partner is to have big genitalia. Now, if you don't have big genitalia, you'll need to come up with something else.

Ways to make up for your small breasts/ding dong:

1. Role playing: pretend you're people you see in porno movies

2. Acquire fifth level thrusting abilities

3. Acquire eighth level oral abilities

4. Bring someone else into the mix (make sure they also have small genitalia or you're screwed – in a bad way)

5. Talk like this

6. Make your lover jealous or mad and normal sex is now make up sex

7. Bring food into the mix: a delicious cheeseburger shoved into the rectum is a sure fire firestarter

8. Let the neighvors watch

9. Toys

10. Surgery

So, lastly, you're gonna need some money. So, if you don't have a job, once you walk out of that Arby's, you're basically the unemployed person the other person had a one dayer with.

You don't want to be that person, unless you're already in a relationship.

So, it's time to find a job.

Well, you're already at Arby's, right?

So, why not prostitution? You know the lines, and have the skills – let's rake in the dosh!

Now, make sure your prostitution is unknown to your lover or they may leave you. Also, make sure that you don't discuss "work" at the party situations I trained you on in 1.2.

So, there you have it.

I wish you all the best and if you're a lady – I'll be looking forward to seeing you at


13049 SW 241st

Kent, WA 98031



P.S. Bring Altoids, I've never done that.

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