Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Is this seat taken?

Have I Mentioned

Is this seat taken?
Oh, no I don't smoke.
Excuse me?
Have I mentioned to you before that I'm an avid diver?
Excuse me? Have we met?
No, not until now – on this bus. Look, I just want to make certain that you know that I'm an avid diver.
Uh, yes. Of course. Look, I'm just trying to read this newspaper, so if you could –
Diving is a lot of fun if you have the right equipment. Did you know that if you pack a large amount of pecans with you, your chances of survival are greatly increased?
No. No, I didn't know that. Why would that be?
I don't know, it's just what I read in the People magazine. Look, do you want to talk about fly-fishing or not?
I thought you wanted to talk about diving?
No, I distinctly remember telling you that I wanted to – oh, wait, no, you're right. I just remembered now – it was diving. Well, anyway, now that that's behind us, why don't we talk about fly-fishing? I'm an avid fly-fisherman.
Excuse me; I don't want to be rude, but I really would prefer it if you just left me alone.
Yeah, fly-fishing is more of a sport to me, than it is a hobby. I remember my grandfather telling me when I was young that if I could fly fish good enough I could turn pro. Of course, there is no pro league for fly-fishing, but just the same, he had a lot of heart.
Your grandfather?
Yes. Oh, and he was a helluva drunk, too. Man, I remember one time, we went out fly-fishing and he was so drunk he tried to bait his hook with my ear. I can still feel my ear sting when someone mentions it.
Mentions what? Fly-fishing?
Ow. That hurt. What are you trying to do to me over here?
Listen, please –
It's all right, I'm used to it now. Fly-fishing is an often-tossed around term.
Wait – how come it doesn't hurt your ear when you say it?
Say what?
Ow! Damn! Will you knock it off? Geesh. Look, mister, if you want to go giving me an ear ache, why don't you save yourself some time and just punch my clock.
Punch your wha – what are you talking about?
Ha, that was a good one. See, I knew you wouldn't punch me. We're good like that, aren't we, Al?
My name is Leonard.
Well, Al, let's not jump to conclusions.
About my name? I think I know my own name.
I wouldn't be so sure. There's a lot of hypotheses in this crazy world and a lot of them haven't been proven. Like the one about milking owls.
What? Who the hell milks owls?
Wouldn't you like to know?
No, no, I don't think I would.
Well, you should try it sometime.
What? Milking owls?
No, that's crazy talk, you can't milk an owl.
But, you just said –
Hey, buddy, I told you not to jump to conclusions.

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