Sunday, August 8, 2010

You Need Hands

The Media Lies

I know what you're thinking: paranoid, liberal bullshit.


The media lies to you everyday.

Look, do you really think Captain Crunch is a Captain? Well, I have news for you – he's not. Captain Crunch is a figment of someone's imagination.

Oh, I'm just spouting liberal rhetoric? Look, can you tell me what part of the military deals with crunchiness?

I've spent the last three hours researching it and have found no arm of the United States Government that deals with breakfast cereals. The closest I came was the Department of Agriculture and the Food and Drug Association. And you know what?

No captain.

Sure, there are some generals that I wasn't aware of – like the Surgeon General. This came as a shock as I didn't realize that surgery was considered a war.

But, it is my friends. The Surgeon General is on the front lines everyday fighting such terrorists cells as cancer and lyphnoidial diterius with his super laser guided death balls.

Well, I made that last cell up, but you believed me, didn’t you? That's how easy it is to distribute lies over the media.

Like Count Chocula. Count? Oh really? It's funny he's so well versed in English. Trust me, the Count of anything is usually Slavic or something and has little to no regard for breakfast cereal. You know why? Because, they're too busy searching for blood in the night. Chocolate vampire? Get real. There's no such thing. Sure, some people are chocoholics, but vampires? What? They suck chocolate from virgin cocoa beans? B.S.

What's next? Oh, yeah, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. Uh, huh. Sure, like there's a secretary for a state. What state? Washington D.C.?

It's not even a state. It's a country!
Good God, can't you just see the truth staring you in the eyes? It's ridiculous.

What's happening to this country? There was a time when we would all run together in the fields of gumdrops and sing "Fa-La-La-La" all the live long day. Then, media came and wrecked it. They told us that if we liked to fly around on magic carpets we were "against science" and that if we liked to sacrifice homeless people to our Gods we were "paranoid schizophrenics." What's next? Will they tell me that I can't make a sandwich out of two slices of paper and an Oreo cookie?

It's just out of control. When you have four conglomerates running the media and they all are working for the Empire, what do you expect?

But, there's good news! According to, Luke Skywalker and a band of Rebels have moved our rebel base to a secret location and we have a blueprint of Rupert Murdoch's Death Star!

Now, I cannot divulge the secret location, but I will say that it rhymes with "pee rattle."

P.S. Gee, how much Humvee armor does an inauguration buy?



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