Sunday, August 8, 2010

Friggin in the Riggin

Another Weekend with the Neighvors

I've said it once, and I'll say it again: my ex-girlfriend is a toolshed.

But, we're in the mood to talk weekends, right?

K, well it was another weekend with the neighvors. That's right. Well, for the most part.

Friday I met Galassi at the Great Nabob...wait, no, he came over first. We sat and bullshitted and headed over to the Nabob. I was four in by this time.

At the Nabob we met this one girl who totally reminded me of that one chick on Seinfeld that did a one-woman show on how much she hated Jerry. No joking. She talked just like her and just as much. Apparently, she knows someone everywhere. Oh, plus she went to some couples party that she said sucked. Well, she explained that it sucked in around forty-five minutes.

Galassi might get me a ride-along – he's a firefighter. That would be dope. I think I'm going to get high first.

After that, Galassi dropped me off at Hooters, where it was a Ross celebration. It was Ross' birthday and he did the whole Hooters thing. His kids were there, so they're probably scarred for life.

After that, Ross dropped me off at home and I ran into the even hotter neighvor. Trouble was, she was with her new boyfriend. Oh, plus, I was shitcanned, so I was pretty much acting like a zoo.

I don't remember what all went down, but we hung out in my apartment for a while, drinking and smoking in non-smoking areas.

The other neighvor also dropped by and so we talked again.

Well, the evening ended when I was looking through my CDs and handed the hotter neighvor a porno. She left immediately. I felt bad the next day and later apologized.

The next day I was really hung over and found a cure by buying more beer with a bad check. It was kinda snowing, which kinda sucked.

Around three beers later, I ran into the (let's just do it this way) neighvor 1. She was with the chick that was wasted in my hallway that I made out with in my bathroom.

Is that even English?

Anyway, they came by with some dude the chick from the bathroom was with and we drank. Then, we went to their place, then back to mine, so forth...

They invited me to go to some Abiba (or something) bar, and I explained that I was broke. So, they took me anyway. Somewhere around here, I found out that neighvor 1 had made out with Keith one time at WSU.

Small world.

The dude who was with them was pretty drunk, and he kept flicking off the cabs that were showing up to take us to the bar.

This was annoying.

Five cabs later and we were at the bar.

The bar was one of those super trendy joints with curtains and only black and white colors. Everyone in the bar was dressed in black or white.

Except us.

Oh, and the owner of the Great Nabob; who was in there. I talked to him for a bit and told him his bar had burned down. Then, some goon came and told me to take off my dope Ben Sherman hat.

From there, I was introduced to a bunch of people and had to deal with small talk that I can't muster for more than nine sentences.

The only interesting people I met were:

Aussie Guy: This guy from Australia, who had lived in Tasmania and was up here doing something I forget. He was a nice guy.

Big Booby Chick: They had to have been fake. I mean...Jesus. She was nice, and she gave me something to talk about with other people: whether her boobs were fake. Oh, and I used this joke that I kept using that night about the curtains in the bar. See, all the partitions between dance floor, bar, and dining room were done with curtains. So, my small talk joke was how I should put curtains in my apartment and walk out from them all porno like and seductive. It wasn't that funny of a joke, but it was either that or talk about my boring ass job.

Homo Dude: Homo dude was cool, but here's how he kept introducing himself: Hi, I'm IFORGETHISNAME, and I'm a homo. And he meant it. I guess that's a way of getting it over with with people. I should do the same thing with my alcoholism. Hi, I'm Matt, and I'm a drunk. But, that's not nearly as funny as the homo

After that, neighvor 1 got Homo Dude's number. Apparently, she loves gay people. I don't understand this, and she tried to explain it to me. I still don't understand it. I mean, it would take me hours of small talk to get a girl's number, and this guy got it in a few minutes, just cuz he was gay. I then told her that I would start telling women that I'm gay. She didn't think this would work.

After the bar, we went back to the Sevi and the chick I made out with in the bathroom and her date (or whatever) got a hotdog and nachos at 7-11. I offered to make eggs, but no one was interested.

We then continued to get drunk, and listened to music till five in the morning. The porno didn't make another appearance, and I threw it out the following day.

No one needs to have porno around; it will always ruin a conversation.

Sunday I went over to my mom's for dinner and Monday I did jack and squat. Oh, I did return some glasses to my neighvors. Neighvor 2 answered the door and apologized for acting stupid. So, apparently, she was acting stupid too that night. I apologized as well, she invited me in and I explained that I didn't want to bother them and she told me she'd see me the next time she was wasted or needed to smoke a cigarette.


So, here we are: drunk on cold medication and looking at another 4 and a half hours of work.

Oh, remember that it's this Thursday that all of us liberals collectively turn our backs on the inauguration. Because, you know...that, that....will....yeah, no wonder we lost.



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