Monday, January 25, 2010

Levi Was Caught Last Night

Is Anyone in Iraq Left?

Like most of you, I check out the news headlines each morning to make sure Delaware is still a state.

I'll scan the headlines, looking for news of Delaware and they pretty much read like this:

30 Killed in Iraq

Princess Diana's Zombie Eats Baby

Jay-Z: I Have Found Christ

Nine Dead at Sonics Game

Bush Touts "Kill Homeless" Plan

Blair Wins Election Amidst the Fact He is an American

The next day:

23 Killed in Iraq

Nell Carter's Zombie Eats Princess Diana's Zombie

Some Beautiful Barbie-Like Girl Missing

Jay Z: Christ Ain't About Nothing

Ted Williams: Closet Homosexual?

Bush Touts "Moral Values" at McDonalds, Best Buy

The next day:

54 Killed in Iraq

Nell Carter's Zombie: Drugs Made Me Do It

Barbie-Like Girl Hid Among a Bunch of Ugly "Milk Carton" Kids in an Attempt to not be Found

Jay Z: Christ and Me "Cool"

Barbara Walters on Recent PCP Trip: I Ate Franks and Beans with the Rosenbergs

Bush Touts "Really Awesome Cobra Command Missiles"

And so on...

So, my question is (read title of this blog entry).

I mean, I guess I'm hyperbolic, but

Did I just use the word "hyperbolic?" How pretentious. It's probably not even a word. Wait, spellcheck, yes it's a word. Damn, I'm smart. I guess I've always been smart, I just don't always show – oh, the article. Sorry.

Anyway, at this rate everyone in Iraq won't be dead until, maybe, 2050, but still?

If thirty people died violently in Seattle everyday, I think we'd begin to worry about going out for milk and wonder what we're paying law enforcement to do.

And, I've just noticed that I haven't really noticed. I mean, you see the headline everyday, but it's like road kill. Sure, it's there, but it's not like you knew that possum.

I guess another question is did Saddam kill thirty people every day? If not, we kinda fucked up that country.

But, in the long run..we'll see in 2050.

But, support the troops, because at this rate you'll be one of them within your lifetime.

We're spread thin and we're thinning. And if you think you'll avoid the draft by age or sex – think again. They aren't strapped for troops as much as they are strapped for professionals.

So, if you're working a Help Desk in Amarillo, you may be working dispatch in Fallujah within a couple of years.

Never picked up a gun? No worries, as long as you can install Windows onto a PC, welcome to Iraq.

The proposed age cutoff I've read is no longer 28. It's 38. And if you have a vagina, they'll still nab you from your home under the authority of the Selective Services.

Run to Canada? They won't take you because of a treaty signed with Bush long before the war began. Makes you wonder about how long W. knew he was gonna be a war-time president.

Oh, well.

I know what I'm doing if I get a letter from the government

(the other day, I opened it and read it and it said they were SUCKERS! They wanted me for their army or whatever, picture me giving a damn I said never.)

I'm running to Mexico. I'm going to pose as one of those drunk Texan border vigilantes and I'm going to give the first Mexican I see all my papers and tell him to enjoy the US.

Then I'm going to order a Corona.



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