Friday, January 8, 2010

Gossip, Girl

Apparently you don't work for a big movie studio.
But not to worry, I have plenty of celebrity gossip to pitch you.
For the flat fee of 700 billion dollars an email I will send you 20 choice bits of entertainment gossip I have gleaned from attaining The Shining as a small infant when my father closed a car door on my hand.

This is your only freebie. After this, all emails with celebrity gossip will cost you.

1. Allyssa Milano is regularly dewormed.

2. Alfonso Ribera and Judd Hirsch were seen spelunking in Israel over the holidays. It's rumored that the two are an item.

3. Big Bird to come out on a very special Sesame Street.

4. Conan O'Brien, after hearing news that he would be leaving the tonight show, began flailing his arms so fast and with such vibration he entered another dimension.

5. Clinton Eastwood has explained that he will be dying at high noon tomorrow. Sources say he will attempt a shootout with himself and his arthritis. Clint explains "Bet on the arthritis."

6. 2010 will be a big year for restaurant-themed movies. McDonald's has hired Matthew McConnahey to play Mayor McCheese in the biopic Happy Meal.

7. The Dark Knight 3 will arrive in theaters in late 2012. The film will animate the late Heath Ledger with Matt Groening as artist.

8. Booze is the news for Heather Locklear, who will attempt a reality show where she will be three sheets 24/7. The TV series is fighting for rights to the title 24.

9. Woody Allen is expecting again - expecting a lawsuit. It seems the octagenarian writer/director's new movie A Street in Times Square is actually a rip off an old Archie comic.

10. Deaths today: Reba Mcentire dies of brain cancer at 56. Meanwhile, Jackie Gleason is still dead.

11. Cher to salute the troops wearing nothing but Ben Gay.

12. Word on the street has it that John Larraquette and Danny Devito will be sharing a couch for a late night beer on Tuesday. Sources say they have become wonderful pals.

13. Rumor has it that Owen Wilson will commit Hari Kiri in a New York restaurant on the 18th of February to an aghast crowd of Liberian pigeons.

14. Tolberone, the snack of choice for hikers and homoseckshuls will announce a transgendered Austrian as its new spokesperson.

15. Mothra and Godzilla have a new butterfly in the oven. Sources say the child will be half reptilian and half Mickey Rourke.

16. If you hear wedding bells, you could have 3rd degree biological paranoia and should be treated with leaches.

17. Tim Allen and Martin Lawrence are buddy'ing up to do coke in a small pharmacy bathroom in West Hollywood.

18. Real World 29 to be a made for TV movie starring a number of your relatives.

19. The new Harry Potter movie to garner an X rating after a unicorn love scene that producers describe as "long".

20. I lied. There's only 19.

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