Monday, January 25, 2010

Enzyte Day One

Enzyte Day One: My Dick is Still Small

"Size DOES matter"
- Blonde in my junk email

Drinking is a funny thing; it's even funnier when you have a credit card...
I'm, by no means, a normal person. If anything, I'm slightly deranged. This isn't a boast - I'm not "wacky" crazy like Gallagher, I'm really fucked-up in the head.
With that in mind, there were two instances in which I became deranged with a credit card and a stomach full of hops that will make no sense to anyone; but, may shed light on why I continue to kill myself with smokes, booze, and pharmaceuticals.
I guess it comes from one-part boredom and one-part utter loneliness.
Whether I'm funny or not is definitely up for debate, and I'm sure we'll all chime in on the chatter box to state the latter. But, it is a means in which I entertain myself when I'm bored.
I'm sure most of you have seen me pan handle out in the streets of Seattle, offer gum to random strangers, interview people on the street for a fictitious newspaper, etc....
General hijinx.
Well, one night I found myself bored; but, this time I was alone. I guess you could call this comedic masturbation, but I phoned an infomercial number and actually ordered the product.
In this instance, it was that book about ways to make money from the government. I have yet to open it; but, I did purchase it.
Now, the whole act of ordering the 45-dollar book was just hilarious (to me) – call it performance art. I couldn't stop laughing afterwards, and where it wasn't worth 45 dollars – it was fucking hilarious: just the idea of being drunk and ordering something so stupid.
Yes, I'm deranged...anyway, the way I made it even more fun was I put on the accent of a drunk, elderly, Southern-American.
Below is the transcript (2001) as much as I remember:

Operator: Hello, thank you for calling ????, how can I help you?
Me: I'd like to order the money makin' book.
Operator: Excuse me?
Me: The book that that one geeky fella with the haircut is tryin to sell.
Operator: Oh, the ?????
Me: Yeah, that's the one, how much for that BOOK!
Operator: Let me see, that would be......?????
Me: Well, that's great, cuz I could use it – I figure the government owes me a lot of money – at least as far as I reckon.
Operator: Sure, sir. So, you would like to order the book?
Me: Yeah, put me down for the BOOK!
Operator: OK, could I get your credit card number?
Me: Sure, (loud burp) that'd be ______
Operator: Back to the rest of Matt's article.

And so on. I don't really remember much of the phone call, except that I sounded like Foghorn Leghorn and that I burped loudly at one point in time.

Months ago, I found myself drunk once again, on the couch, and bored. I'm sure everyone has seen the Enzyte commercial with the guy with the big grin promising a bigger, stiffer dong.
Well, not only that, but it's free – well, there's shipping and such, but basically it's free.
Now, every ex I have can verify that I (of course) wouldn't need such pills and that three inches satisfies most women...but, this wasn't about my dong – no, this was about being drunk on a couch and having no one but an operator to make an ass of myself in front of.
Also, I used a MasterCard that was maxed out.
Therefore, in no way am I ashamed about the Eor (eeee-yore) (spl?) tail that is nailed to my pelvis and I really didn't want the crap.
With that in mind, I donned the Foghorn Leghorn accent I used before.

Operator: Bristol Meyers and associates, how can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I want some of those pills that make your pecker grow!
Operator: Excuse me, sir?
Me: The pills on the TV ad, with the guy smiling and all...cuz his pecker's all big now.
Operator: I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to give me the proper name of the product in order to process your order.
Me: Goddamnit! The...what's it.....? The ENZINE!
Operator: Are you referring to Enzyte?
Me: Yes, goddamn! The Enzyte! I want summa that Enzyte – make my pecker grow!
Operator: OK, sir. How did you hear about the product?
Me: It's that liberal show, with the Jew....John's Show...or the Daily Funnies....GODDAMNIT! It's on that Comedy Centrals network.
Operator: Alright, sir, and have you ever used Enzyte before?
Me: No, I haven't, but the TV commercial says it'll give me a bigger wang and I need that. My wang's wee and tiny and my wife passed away recently and I need confidence if I'm about to go looking for love.
Operator: Alright, sir, could I have your credit card number?

And with that, I burped and ordered the Enzyte – knowing my card was maxed out.
Well, that was two months ago and last night I got a bottle of the stuff.

.....of course I popped one - why not, it won't hurt......

People just don't understand my humor....especially when it causes me personal embarrassment and 6.95 in shipping and handling...


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