Monday, January 25, 2010


I'm Selling my Body

Hey there, young woman. Yes, you!
I'm selling my body!
That's right, don't look so surprised. Let me tell you a little about what you'll be buying before we jump right in.
With my body, you get a bargain, you get more than what you're looking for. Think I'm wrong? Let me explain.
My body is a lot like a movie: it's a love story filled with science fiction and horror. How many bodies can repulse a woman like this, let me lift my shirt.
See? I saw that look on your face – genuine fear.
But, let me explain further, I don't want to give away the ending.
Hell, let me give away the ending: my ass. That's right, my ass. Have you ever seen heaping mounds of cottage cheese hanging in cheese cloth?
Whoa, you need a towel?
Well, I have one right here. Only, it's not a towel, it's more of a diaper. See, here's a little bit more about what you'll receive with my body: the dysfunctions of my body.
See the mucus around my nostrils, all dried up? That's staying there, babe. You see I have this condition – but, I don't want to bore you with the details. Also, notice how there's a constant store of saliva on either side of my mouth? That's staying as well baby, it seems I can't talk without generating the stuff.
Oh, brother!

You might be asking yourself "but, what about the love story?"
Well, let me tell you a little bit about how my body will love you.
Have you ever been on the Tea Cups at Disneyland? Imagine that, but with body lice.
I'm also quite attune to the workings of my body and will shower you with bodily fluids whether it turns you on or not. Judging by that blast of food and juice from your mouth, I'm thinking not. But, that's the way it works baby, you have to take the good with the bad and my chronic flatulence, coupled with my penchant for explosive diarrhea, really makes for a wet, wild ride.
You should try it.
In fact, you must. I'm going for cheap today. It's a special. You get one night of my body for only driving me to the clinic to get a shot and some money so that I can get that shot.
Oh, that's right, my body has this virus as well. It's starts with "gone" and ends with "ria."
How are you on body hair? I seem to have this condition that leaves me bald in all the wrong places and hairy on the others. See, look at my lips: hair.
What can you expect on the way of dinner? Well, by all means, take a look under my belly and you'll find a banquet of things I've ate in the last week. You like nachos? I like nachos.
Whoa, honey, calm down. I guess you'll have quite an appetite tonight.
So, what'll it be, babe? Shall we dance? Grab a hold of my chunky reigns, you're in store for quite a ride.

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