Monday, January 25, 2010

Keep Smilin'

Keep Smiling

If you want to know where you are in the world, just listen for sirens. The louder the sirens, the poorer you are.

Don't fret if you're poor, there's always something down the road. I've heard the poorer you are the better your sex life is. That's why the world is overpopulated with the poor.

The rich may seem happy, and they are. Don't let the rich fool you. They'd come in the dead of night and gang rape the homeless if they weren't.

Get a job. The one's where you're not required to sign out every time you take a piss are preferable. Get a job. The one's where you can write this very sentence while being paid around 2 bucks for it are what you want to look for.

Get a coworker. A coworker is here to help you. Even when you wake up hating the world for your hangover and they keep asking you about where some report is printed. Get a coworker and test their faith in you by setting your desk on fire and telling them that they did it.

You will need a car to get to work. If you cannot afford a car, a bus will be provided. On the bus you'll meet things you've always wanted to be and things you hope you won't become. During office hours, the downtown busses are free, because we feel it's important that you are concentrated in one city block when we decide to tear it all down.

Terrorism is rampant. Remember that. Right now there are nine terrorists in your home. Three of them are TVs, two are computers, and four of them have been terrorizing your family with alcoholism, rape, theft, and eating the chocolate third of the Neapolitan ice cream.

Make a grocery list. You really need to eat. If you don't eat you'll die or free India. If you free India, make sure you settle who owns Kashmir before you write up a constitution. Make a grocery list. Some things to include on your grocery list are:


Respect for one's self and others

An open mind

Love for everyone, even when they kick your door down in the middle of the night and demand ego satisfaction

Anger, for the fake and the lies

Once you've decided on a good grocery list, watch as your tastes change and you decide to pare it down to:

Enough lies to get me through the day.

Use your lies wisely. Maybe one to the boss, then another to a loved one, then twelve to yourself – always put yourself first.

Own a gun. Learn how to use it. Because, when you really need to escape the horror that is this world you're going to need it to ram down your throat at three in the morning with Ron Popeil selling you a knife and an empty bottle of cheap booze beside you and a lit cigarette burning up your couch and a smile on your soon-to-be-blown-off-face.

You've bought a computer. We're happy for you. Use it to learn about the world around you. Now that you're in purgatory, you'll need something to do.

Pornography and alcohol are always a good way to kill the time it's going to take Jesus to get off his ass and save you. So, get some beer and google "huge knockers."

Start your own website and write about how your day went. Find out that someone found your website by googling "huge knockers."

Give it all up when you find "Tina Turner's hobbies and interests" was used to find your website.

Where's your gun now?

It's important that you find a life partner. That way, when you need to blame yourself for something, you have a mate. They've picked you! That means they're responsible for your troubles as they voluntarily picked you – you just happened to be born you.

Decide that your life partner is no longer responsible for your actions and decide that masturbation is not that bad.

Lock the door of your apartment and watch tons of TV and get fat. You've only got forty or so more years left.

Find Jesus. Ask Jesus to forgive you for God putting you on this Earth and you acting the way God made you to act.

Walk out of purgatory and smile for the rest of your life – you've been saved!

Now that you're all happy and everything is right in your world you can start a family. Pick another partner, this time make sure it's one that has no interest in you. You don't want to repeat mistakes of the past, because this time children are involved.

Have children. Name them names. Give them a home. Feed them. Keep smiling.

If you have to be told not to eat your young, you shouldn't have left purgatory in the first place.

Keep smiling.

Invest in your family's future.

Explain to your spouse that you don't need to love each other. You just need to trust Christ and keep smiling.

Grow old. Keep smiling.

We'll find you face down in a pile of coupons with a smile on your face and where you might have not moved mountains – you kept on smiling!

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