Monday, January 25, 2010


Blogger 101 Thing That All the Cool Kids are Doing

1. I wish I had more moles

2. I first had sex with a tambourine when I was 12

3. I still have the tambourine

4. I once ate a nail

5. I've never eaten cat

6. I wish I liked rap music more

7. This is so fucking stupid

8. Yoda is actually a penis with facial features

9. The first time I ate sausage was when I was five

10. I wish I didn't have to stare at broccoli in order to maintain an erection

11. I would have made an awesome air fighter

12. I have this stuff on my head called hair

13. I've quoted Ronald McDonald at a dinner party

14. I believe that everyone has the right to own a dead goat

15. I bet you could make a Star Wars figure with the right magic marker, paper, glue, and imagination

16. I made my first Star Wars figure when I was 53

17. I'm 56 years old

18. My balls hang down to my ankles

19. My hair is "conked" even though I'm white

20. I had sex with this one girl once

21. The first time I rode a bike was when I was 97

22. I'm now 98 years old

23. You see I have this condition

24. Where I age really fast

25. I'm, like, 342 right now

26. My penis is 67 inches long

27. And that's flaccid

28. I wish it were Christmas everyday

29. Except on Halloween day

30. Cuz, then you wouldn't get to dress up all rad like Batman and bag snatch from 7-year-olds

31. This one year

32. The year 1934

33. I bag snatched from this old lady in Safeway

34. It wasn't even Halloween

35. She had a butt load of pop tarts

36. Score!

37. I wish I had a pop tart right now

38. I'm 789 years of age right now

39. You're reading this blog right now

40. I have the gift of knowing your every move

41. Except the moves you make when you're not reading this blog

42. I can't spell Rumpelstilskin

43. 2 plus 2 is 4

44. My favorite color is potato

45. I knew this dude who had this awesome skateboard with a skull on it

46. I think his name was Donald Rumsfeldt

47. I shot my first stuffed animal when I was 700 years old

48. It was like two minutes ago

49. I'm on 49

50. That makes 50

51. My favorite band is the Partridge Family

52. Wait, I lied

53. My favorite band is New Edition

54. K, I'll level with you – I don't have a favorite band

55. I hate music

56. And children

57. But, not in that order

58. There are billions of people out there I will never be able to know and love

59. Or sodomize

60. I think life would be different for me if I were a tree

61. I have cancer of the shoe

62. I have been diagnosed with evil disorder

63. My favorite food is purple

64. I have three kids

65. Five if that will get me laid

66. I'm just joking

67. I don't have children

68. But, I am 893 years of age

69. I'm not lying

70. Wanna make a bet?

71. I used to think I was Teddy Roosevelt's mule in another life

72. I met Chuck E. Cheese when I was 6

73. I've been to Dallas

74. I lie about the size of my penis

75. My penis is now 567 feet long

76. This is the only thing women care about

77. They only love me for my 645-foot penis

78. I'm 3945 years old now

79. I met a time traveler once who told me that the world will end in the year 1985

80. I said "Man, that only gives us 3 years to live."

81. He just looked at me, shook his head and gave me the extra ketchup I asked for

82. That was in the year 1945

89. I have trouble with numbers

84. I used to be able to change from a black guy into a white guy

85. Then the machine broke and I was stuck white

86. This embarrassed my family

87. My dad is a civil engineer for Tonka

88. My mom is a professional panhandler

89. My mom and dad are like a million years old

90. I wish I was 28 again

91. Done

92. I'm 28

93. You can get high off onion rings if you eat enough

94. You need to have a lot of onion rings around, though

95. Like, maybe, 80

96. Dude, I'm almost to 101

97. Just 98 more to go

98. I'm so excited

99. I hope this pisses someone off

100. Pleace,

101. Matt

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