Monday, January 25, 2010

An Unfortunate Post

Sexual Abuse is a Rite of Passage for Celebrities

So, Ellen Degeneres has announced that her stepfather sexually abused her when she was a teen.

I guess the lesbian thing wore thin.

What does this mean? This means Ellen is an "adult" celebrity now.

That's right, if you want to be welcomed into the world of celebrity adults you need to fire walk with the best of them. And the best of them were sexually abused.

So, if your dad cornholed you at the age of 14, you may be celebrity material. In fact, if you ever want to apply for a SAG card, you'll probably have to admit that you might have been abused at some point in time, but you don't recall at this point.

Mark the "yes" box under "May have repressed sexual abuse memories."

Look, if you're going to make it in this business you're going to need to know how it feels to have someone violate you anally, and that person is probably going to be someone you trust; probably your manager. And if you're a child star, there's a good chance your manager is your mom or dad; so, it works out well.

Never been sexually abused? Don't fret, there's another option: severe addiction.

As much as I worship the man, Trent Reznor just pulled this one when he went from interview to interview telling everyone how he's freed himself from the bondage of cocaine and alcohol and is now all grown up and ready to say something meaningful.


Now, if you've read the above you might wonder how successful you would be if you abused drugs and were molested and beaten as a child?

Go to your record store and buy the album Thriller. You'll be the billionth person to do so. And you know who wrote that album? And do you know anything about his past?

But, then again, he self-destructed and is now nine tenths of the way to prison, so maybe the abuse AND the painkillers are just too much celebrity baggage to form a long-lasting star.

But, you're well on your way.

Don't have a drug or a cornholed memory?

Well, you can start using drugs anytime. They're out there.

Hint: go to where poor people live.

Need a good cornhole memory? Make one up. Look, sexual abuse is usually (according to Dr. Phil and other retarded buzzards) repressed. That means, you can wake up one day and decide that someone sexually abused you.

No problem there.

Now, you're almost there. You have your back-story and your addiction. Now, it's just a couple of acting classes and you're there.

You'll probably have to blow Harvey Weinstein on the way, but no big deal.

So, you're wiping Harvey from your lips and you've just scored a cameo in the new Nicholas Cage piece of shit.

You're thinking: I'm almost to the top.

Well, you have a couple of other duties on your way.

First, you have to pretend that celebrity embarrasses you and give off that romantic Kurt Cobain vibe of "I do not want this."

When interviewed, make sure you're loaded enough so that as you're thinking about the bees eating your ears the audience will think you're deep.

You're going to also need a pet cause. Go environmental. This way you won't have to deal with the homeless people that make you want to retch every time you pass them on the street. Hug a tree and all's good.

Next up: you've got your own movie. You're the star, it's a killer script, you only have nine lines to try to pull off some stab at acting, oh, and you're Keanu Reeves.

Now, you're on top.

It's time for the Downward Spiral.

You're now realizing that life is empty at the top when there's only drugs and sex as a ladder. You look down and see a wasteland of genitals and needles and you think you're above it.

But, then you look up and there's nothing but excrement and maggots.

You're fucked.

Let the addiction and the painful memories, that aren't even your own, take over and fall into an Axl Rose spiral of Ruffles, whiskey, and fried chicken.

Stay this way for five years and then re-emerge with your heartbreaking story of pain, loss, and redemption.

With any luck they'll make a movie about you. It may or may not be called Ray, The Doors, or Nixon.

Celebrities are bags of offal.



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