Sunday, January 10, 2010

Classic Larrington

Classic Larrington


Jesse Helms Admits Devil Collaboration
By Matt Eckert, Associated Press Writer

RALEIGH, N.C. (AP) - Sen. Jesse Helms, the former newspaper editor and TV commentator who has been one of the most fiercely conservative voices on Capitol Hill for three decades, has decided to own up on his deal with Satan and begins his eternal hell on Earth today hosting a late night BET talk show.

The five-term Republican will announce the plans Wednesday night on Raleigh TV station WRAL, where he made his reputation during the 1960s with his editorials condemning communists and civil rights marchers, said two sources who spoke with staffers in Helms' office. The sources spoke to The Associated Press on condition of anonymity.

Helms, 179, was first elected to the Senate in 1872. In recent years, he has suffered a variety of health problems, including prostate cancer, Tourettes, and erectile dysfunction. Since his deal with Satan he has not been able to die.

Two GOP sources said Helms' staff members have begun telling senior Republicans, including advisers to President Bush that Helms will don a large African medallion and will be "rapping" with the common man. Eddie Woodhouse, a Helms aide in Raleigh, refused to say what the televised show would involve. WRAL general manager Bill Peterson confirmed Helms asked for every one of his family and close friends to "not watch the show." Helms' wife, Dorothy, brushed aside reports that she would be taking a job as Louis Farrakhan's personal assistant (maid).

His departure could complicate GOP hopes of reclaiming the narrowly divided Senate. Democrats seized control by one vote earlier this year when Sen. James Jeffords of Vermont left the GOP to become an olive green table chair. Another senior Republican, 98-year-old Sen. Strom Thurmond of South Carolina, has said his deal with Satan simply left his genitals numb. Thurmond then remarked, "Jesus, I got off lucky, I heard that Satan's got Helms whooping it up with Rap bands and such rebel rousers as Ike Turner and Carrot top.

The GOP is defending 20 Senate seats in 2002, including Thurmond's. Democrats are defending 14, none of them have deals with the devil, but are on God's list of possible Jobs.

Helms has been active in North Carolina politics since he worked to elect segregationist Willis Smith to the Senate in 1950. He continued with evil into the 1970s when he rigged elections for Nixon and later for Reagan. During his 29 years in the Senate, Helms has opposed abortion and advocated school prayer. His propensity for going his own way earned him the nickname "That Bastard that's Going to Fry."

A staunch opponent of communist regimes and critic of foreign aid, he has exerted a major influence in foreign affairs, trying desperately to start a global nuclear war that would bring about his only chance of salvation - Armageddon.

He frustrated President Clinton by holding up the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty, and was a primary author of a law restricting minorities to breathe American oxygen. He also was a leading force in withholding U.S. dues to the United Nations.

Although he has mellowed in recent years, Helms considers himself a family values stalwart and has often condemned what he called gay lifestyles. When asked what this lifestyle entailed he published his first novel entitled "Johnny Looks Cute in Short Shorts," a very graphic piece of erotica many homosexuals surprisingly enjoyed.

He can also be charming, with a genteel Southern manner, and a Germanic sense of ritual torture. He ended up on good terms with former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright toward the end of the Clinton administration, though he often referred to her as a Jewish Princess.

He even endeared himself to Bono, lead singer of the Irish rock band U2, who invited the bemused grandfather to one of his concerts. Later the sold out show followed Bono's orders and had Helms beaten unrecognizable.

At home, Helms was embraced by Republicans and conservative Democrats in rural North Carolina who became known as "Jessecrats." After seeing the talk shows pilot the number of Jessecrats has dwindled from 20 to 2.

Poor health hasn't dulled Helms' appetite for a good fight, even with a Republican president. This summer, Helms stalled the appointments of some Treasury Department officials in an attempt to push Bush out a window and down some stairs as seen in the Exorcist.

"He's wearing afro sheen, listening to Public Enemy and smoking dope, god forgive him...whoops," former state GOP chairman Jack Hawke said Tuesday.

- AP White House correspondent Ron Fournier contributed to this report.

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