Thursday, January 7, 2010

Some Stories About Guns

We're Having Microwave for Dinner

With the economy in the tank, and my job on the line we need to make cuts. Phyllis, save what food we have. Microwave what's left over in the microwave.

Don't tell me that, I've seen our microwave and there's plenty of stuff stuck to the sides, bottom, and top.

Look, we can't live like kings anymore.

The Winter Olympics In Canada

The thing about the Winter Olympics being in Canada is that it gives everyone a chance to think America might attack it.

Think about it - do you know the amount of money made at the Olympic games? I'm just saying America likes money.

One day you're watching a triat...that thing where they shoot guns and the next you're watching grenade luge.

And if you're from America, I mean this as something that would be rad. I would watch the Olympics if America attacked it.

Imagine a Gold Medal for droning someone? That would be cool.

My Fireplace is Impressing No One

Seriously, my fireplace is impressing o one on no one eon fruntamental garbage cans litter the highway and packs of wild sheep roam the exits for food. We were with a small band of naval personnel that had left the shore in search of edible food along with the rest of use us use e fund more wars in the search of small armory out on the furthest wall towards town. Spelling all messed up with exaggerated exca exs The town crowd cried foul and fell down. We went on into the deeper portions of the mountains in search of useable rain gear. It was about the tenth of May - yeah. And we found pitch forks surrounding a small baby tiger. We moved on and went towards the peaks where we could leave our bones untouched by bacteria. We were high. Up.

High above the hills the mountain goats live off a diet of rocks and twigs. They are the only species of animal that can thrive on the body of the Earth. Specifically, minerals. I once saw a mountain goat eat a live piece of pyrite. It was amazing. Another thing they won't tell you about mountain goats is that they are aquatic and live off the plants, animals, and rocks of the depths of the oceans and lakes that you grew up in and supply antlers to headless deer in the winter.

Later in the evening it became quite apparent that there would be no second show. We drifted off to the balcony and threw pies at opera. That was when I fell in love with you. You were so beautiful and carefree and you told me that there would be no tomorrow. And I believed you. And then you stole my wallet.

Those were the days. Back when jazz was king and King Arthur was a musician in this band I knew that sucked pretty bad. They'd make songs about LSD and the drink Cherry Coke at parties and comment about the smell of smoke in the room.

It's nearly impossible to hate a person if you remember that you are a person. That being said, I hate you like I hate myself.

A good way to confuse a dwarf is to hide his/her dishes. Because dwarves are good at washing dishes and without them they would have nothing to do. This is actually code for an English air raid in the year 1942. My grandfather was hoping I'd build a time machine. I haven't yet, but if you do, send this along. You could save English lives.

The English are known for their pottery and good manners. Many of you may be English and if you are, please comment on your native land. I enjoy English people like I enjoy a good roasted ham. But don't worry, I won't eat you. Or, if I were to, it would take a lot of mustard to get you down. Not because you're English, but because I've never eaten a human.

I remember the day the doctors told me I had come down with Downs Syndrome. I was trying to do homework with a knife. It was a terrible day and to this day I still want to go play outside.

There's nothing funny about disabilities. A word to the wise - what you make fun of will come to haunt you. Like when I woke up to that kid from third grade picking his nose. He'd been dead for 15 years, but there he was accusing me of making fun of him for picking his nose in third grade. Then I realized it was a mirror! I WAS PICKING MY NOSE! I WAS THAT KID IN THIRD GRADE. I sold that story to Paramount for 7 giggilion dollars. S. B. Shannablamblam is going to direct it.

I don't like to write while drunk. I make it a habit to keep a strict diet of sobriety when I'm behind "the wheel". A lot of people ask me about drugs and writing and I tell them that it may work for some other authors - but not for me. The easiest drug to get in the world is something I like to call CREATIVY. It's amazing. It's about 70 bucks a G and fucks you up something awful.

Sleep Dreams,

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