Monday, January 25, 2010


Granny Wants Bacon

Baby? Baby?

Baby, you there? I could really use some bacon.

Ya see, I’ve been hankering bacon for awhile now and your granny could really use some?

Are those the coveralls your granddaddy bought you?

Oh, my, you’re really becoming a man.

Say, could you be a dear and put some bacon in for me for supper?

Nine strips should do.

Oh, deary, I’ve gone and lost my glasses. Honey, could you find my spectacles and then make me some bacon?

Oh, well now, you’ve got me thinking. Could you go ahead and make some toast, tomato, and mayonnaise to put around that bacon.

Back in the day we used to call that a BLT.

Oh, baby, you’ve grown so much.

Sure, it’s in the fridge, next to the pickles.

Oh, I love bacon. The doctors tell me that it’s bad for me, but I don’t mind them doctors. Baby, make me some bacon.

Your mother always had an awful time with that stove, too. You have to turn all the burners on, then off, then turn around and say a Hail Mary and then turn them back on and it’ll work.

Give it time.

Oh, I can’t wait to have some bacon.

Baby, did I ever tell you that we used to grow bacon?

It’s a stone fact! In fact, we used to have bacon-growing-Sundays where we’d plant bacon in the backyard and watch it grow.

Back then, if you had any size of a yard, you’d be growin’ bacon. Boy, I loved growing bacon. Your mother and I would have a time of it.

Yeah, that tomato has always been moldy. Just cut off the side of it and serve me the innards.

Anyway, so we’d plant bacon and watch it grow. Bacon has a gestation period of nine minutes.

So, once you’ve planted it, you just watch as it curls up out of the garden and then you pick it around noon.

Oh, boy, I miss those days.

And I miss your mother.

Is she back from Thompson’s yet?

Oh, she is?

Then why isn’t she helping you make me bacon?

Oh, baby, I understand, she’s got things to do.

Oh, thank you baby.

Could you hand me the pepper.

Oh, this is the best sandwich I’ve ever seen.

Well, besides that one I made with JFK and MLK.

OH, dear me. I’m sorry. I never told you about that?

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