Monday, January 11, 2010


I Really Wish I Could Enjoy Sports

"Welcome Eckerts"

- Jumbotron at Safeco

The only thing in this world that ever makes me question my sexuality is my complete boredom with professional sports. Hell, sports in general, be they professional or otherwise. I just don't get the idea of watching other people have fun. You don't see people rallying around a good game of Yahtzee. I guess the only parallel that I can pull that I do enjoy is porn. There, I also am watching other people have fun....but, it's actually interesting and there's no money shot in basketball.
It really isolates me as well, as all of my friends and family seem to enjoy it....sports. I'm still talking about sports, not porn.
So, it's no wonder that last night at the Mariner game I spent the evening outside with the seagulls drinking beer.
Seagulls are dirty creatures and will eat or drink anything, and this made for some good company as the flock and I ate from mustard packets and drank left-behind beer.
$7.25 is too much to ask for a beer in my opinion, but I paid it anyway. There's something ugly about ransacking your bank account for 50 bucks only to find it all gone within the space of hours....and the fact that you're drunk and talking to dirty seagulls.
The seagulls regaled me with great squawks as I began relating how I would get lectures on Communism from P.E. teachers when they found that I had no interest in participating in the sports. By this time, it wasn't that I didn't enjoy playing sports, it was more I was disgusted with the mentality of them.
Everyone I was friends with immediately would become the biggest pricks the second they put a football helmet on. It was like the helmet made them ugly Nazis with only the crushing of others to get off on.
There was no time for laughs and gags when it came to sport. There was an idea that anything you said that was off-kilter was now suspect and offensive.
Putting on a pair of cleats seemed to change my friends from the guys I stole porn from 7-11 with and toilet papered teacher's houses with into these weird Army guys with a love of the norm and a taste to be told what to do.
When a sense of humor is all you have to go on, all of a sudden you are now an outcast, some weird, rambling hippy with no spirit to contribute to your shitty junior high.
Yes, those times were tough. There was many a day I would be stuck in my room masturbating and reading comic books....if Catwoman was involved, sometimes both at the same time.
Oh, well.
Soon, high school came and most of my friends were weeded out of the sports pool and I had friends again. But, I still had the stigma of being the guy who wasn't into sports. So, I made up for it by trying my best to hang out with the cool people at school.
I suppose every school has a guy like me: the one guy who has no place hanging out with cool people, but is strange enough to be "the guy who gets to hang out with the cool people so they can pick on him."
This was my new role in high school and I thank all involved for letting me be a part of the better social circles.
Here's to you.
In retrospect, I should've hung out with the nerds, maybe I would have made something out of the few brain cells I have.
But, alas, no. They wouldn't have me either. I had no interest in poker, math, or roll playing games.
What about the weird Goth kids? Well, in 90's grunge fashion, the weird Goth kids were now cool kids as well, so we can lump them into the former.
No, there was pretty much no where to fit in, and I guess picking up alcoholism from the cool kids wasn't the worst I could do.
Oh, well.
No, I should've became a drifter: roaming from town to town, getting into adventures, becoming some hippy sage out in the desert.
I find that my arm is becoming numb and this.....admission is growing long and boring.
The point is: I hate sports.

Matt Garcia

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