Friday, January 8, 2010

My Movie Pitches

Below you'll find my rough for a romantic comedy. Feel free to pass this along to the suit guys. This is just the voice over for the commercial. But it pretty much explains the movie.

It's the year 3098. Things aren't what they seem. Behind every door there is a romance with shocking comedy. Romantic comedy. From the creator of Walrussing, comes this summer's most romantic of comedies. An all star cast of Meg Ryan, David Schwimmer, George Clooney, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Keith Sweat come together to deliver a comedy so romantic, you'll wish you were dead.


Meet Jonathan. He's a man looking for love in all the wrong places, but suddenly finds it with a dead R&B singer in the year 3098. Meet Susan, she's a woman with a career and is too busy to fall in love, until she finds it with a dead, aging movie star from the 1990s. Did we mention everyone is gay? This summer come find out why being in love means never having to say time travel.

You could go with either. Basically it's the future and the romantic comedy is totally gay so that it sells to GenX. Also, there's zombie Keith Sweat and Meg Ryan, who George Clooney and Sarah Parker fall for. There's really not much plot, but the comedy portion writes itself. In fact, since there is no plot, we could sell that acne stuff that Pudd Daddy sells in between romance and comedy. Kinda mix it up.

Throw it around the board room and let me know.

My fee is 8 Giggillion dollars.

K, this is more TV oriented.

It's called Fruit Doctors.

I know, I know, bear with me.

So, it's the year 3023 and humans have found a way (a scientific way) to live off only the sun's rays. That means no one eats anymore. Are you with me? OK, so the world is now a magical utopia where everything lives in harmony. But, wait - what happens to fruit and vegetables that get hurt? Wouldn't we prescribe the same care to an orange as we would a dog? Yes, we would.


So, there's these medical doctors that only treat fruit. There's nut and vegetable doctors, but those could be other shows. This is just the fruit doctors.

VINCE TRUMBALL: The crabby senior doctor who doesn't like fruit, but he treats fruit because at the bottom of his heart he loves fruit.

ELAINE GRASSTWIG: The sexy nurse who secretly longs for VINCE, but is brushed aside by his crabby ways.

DOUG DOUGLAS: A robot that wisecracks.

ORANGE: In a sign of compassion, the hospital hires an orange to deal with patient issues. Make no mistake - the orange is just like an orange we have now a days (it can't talk or think or eat a sandwich), but they just dress it in scrubs and treat it like one of their own. There's a lot of friction between ORANGE and VINCE.

So, without further...


Get that orange out of here, this patient is spilling juice all over the floor! I don't need your liberal arts degree in here right now!
VINCE, ORANGE has every right to be here. That APPLE needs someone. Just like you!
I don't need anyone!

(kinda rolls a little)

You get the idea. Also, the whole thing could go movie if we insert a serial killer that preys on fruit and eats their corpses. Not sure which direction to go. Maybe if we whiteboard it with a good producer we could come up with something. I'm thinking like a guy with lots of money and big glasses.

I look forward to your feedback and appreciate your ear.

- Robert

OK, so here it is. It's based on actual events.

So, we start with this group of teenagers on a boat docked in San Fran. We see them partying and stuff and they are normal kids and drink beer and stuff. We cut to late at night and they are all sleeping or making out and stuff. Well, someone here's this noise and they go inspect. They walk down some steps outside to the boat deck. We see a shadow of something slap the person to the ground. The next thing you know, the boat is unanchored and drifts away from the dock. The teenagers awake to find themselves a few miles off shore. None of them know how to operate a boat. Meanwhile, days go by and with each day another member of the crew is killed in grisly ways. Finally, with one crew member left, we reveal that it has been a walrus all along.

I call it


What do you think? I'm really stoked on this and I could get you a treatment by the end of the week.

Here's a scene from the end. It's all dialogue, but it speaks volumes.

Look, walrus, you killed my friends and ate all our food - but I am not going to stoop to your level.



Wait, you're a cat? Then where is the walrus?

TERA LADYGIRL moves to pet what she thinks is a cat, but the walrus comes out and impales her in the neck with his tusk.

See, the walrus is sentient. And smart. I think that will play into the sequel.
Give me your thoughts and feel free to run this by JJ Abrams or someone like that. Basically anyone with a fancy haircut.

if you didn't like the other two, this one should really grab you.

What do we as humans fear most? What wakes us up at night?


That's right. Ideas change reality. In fact, without ideas, I wouldn't be writing you movie pitches that I'm sure you're pitching to your movie producer friends right now.

Imagine a world where ideas prey on the weak...This would probably be a book deal because it's highly intellectual.

It's called THE GRABBING.

Sammy Smalls is a small time newspaper editor in a small town in this small country. It's the opposite of that song Big Country. Anyway, he gets this idea and he goes around telling people about the idea and everytime he does, it grabs people - physically. They get yanked from their chair and fall on the floor and suffer embarrassment. Well, Sammy realizes the gift of his idea and begins using it for horseplay - but everyone else knows the idea as well, so they do the same and pretty much everyone is grabbing everyone with the idea. So, everyone's all over the ground and falling and stuff and nothing gets done and babies die because they aren't fed because their parents are being grabbed by ideas. Pretty soon martians come and they find the entire world in constant grabbing flux and they comment on it and leave.

You know publishers, right

Qbert V. Mario

Cuz I had this idea.
You know Alien vs. Predator? Or Batman vs. Robin?

The second one didn't happen. That was to throw you and your producer friends off.

But now that you're thrown off, listen closely, because this game could save your Hollywood friends' careers.

So, you remember Qbert? Of course you do. Now, what if Qbert were to fight Mario from Super Mario Bros.?

Can you imagine the jumping?

You'd have like nine buttons of different jumps. Reverse jump, back flip jump, tail pogging jump, etc.

And you'd fight your friends. In fact, you could do a whole thing where at first you're playing Pong, but then when you score a point you go to the Qbert world and you try to jump on your opponent.

I call it Jumpworld for Qbert and Mario.

It's probably the best idea you've ever heard of, so now that your mind is blown, try to recover and pitch this to George Lucas.

No comments: