Monday, January 25, 2010

Edgar Allen Cheeseburger

Living Unhealthy Makes me Strong, Powerful Man

"If McDonald's wanted to improve the public's health, in addition to providing the salads and bottled water, it could stop using partially hydrogenated oils in its fries, which contain trans fats and are a powerful promoter of heart disease."

-- Michael Jacobson, Center for Science in the Public Interest

Michael – for every syllable in that word I'm going to eat four Big Macs.
Heart disease – another myth. Sure, people die from it, but they also die from Bungee (spl?) jumping and cliff diving all while drinking Mountain Dew. I'm sure Michael would like to blame "doing the Dew" on the deaths of douche bags everywhere wearing "NO FEAR" t-shirts and listening to Blink-182.
For every extreme sport I witness, I'm going to drink 24 beers – that's extreme. Well, not for me. Let's list all the junk I ingested yesterday:

Venti Coffee
Hot Dog
Small Coffee
A Basket of French Fries...sorry, freedom fries (yeah, right...Viva La France!)
5 Beers
Two Bowls of Nachos
Some Pringles
A Slice of Cheesecake

Guess what? My heart hasn't exploded.
Fucking diets – strictly for the birds.
Speaking of which, have you seen what birds and other forms of non-talking nature eat? Fucking bloated carcasses of animals that have been living off the refuse of degenerates like me.
All that shit I ingested yesterday – it's now in a rat's stomach, in a sewar, and will soon be in a pelican, pigeon, or another rat stomach.
Are the birds being subjected to countless "exercise or die" commercials.
Am I fat? Sure, but not too fat. No, I can still wear a 36, so it's not like I'm Louie Andersoning my ass around the work place, bowling alley, DV8.
Sure, I'm not slim enough to get laid on a daily basis, but what is getting laid – more exercise. Unless you do the spoon position, where you just gently rock back and forth.
The spoon position rawks – smoke afterward.
Smoking? I've already railed against the bullshit of "second-hand smoke," so let's attack the attitude that smoking kills smokers. Sure. Who cares. Humans aren't suppose to live past 40. It's in the bible. And who would want to? Have you looked at the elderly lately? Do they look like they're having fun? Walking there wrinkled, Dawn of the Dead asses around with the assistance of metal tables they stutter around salad bars in nursing homes hoping to get the last muffin that is brutally moldy and hoping like hell that some shit kid visits them and cringes in terror at their liver spotted face that they have lived healthy for 80 years to create?
No, I prefer to die at 40...ish.
There's no reason to live past that age, as I see it. Might as well drink and drug your way through life and die a stunning heart attack in front of your young children, showing them that this is not a place of mirth and taffy – no, they too will pass into the unknown, clutching a beer can, throwing a lit smoke across the room and yelling "YOU BITCH!" at their wife as they've just found out that she's been fucking the help and is taking their singing-all-the-live-long-day children with her to her liver-spotted, ninety-year-old mother's place in the hopes of splitting up her last moldy muffin.
Hell, I didn't think I'd be able to tie that one up either.
God, I'm gonna have another hot dog and pepsi today.
Tonight? I'm thinking eggs and hashbrowns. I'll even throw in some toast to piss in the face of anyone who doesn't eat "carbs."
As a kid, I would be told that I should eat my food, because some people have to live off bread and water alone. I always thought of the starving Ethiopians as bread and water people. Now, come to find out, bread is fucking bad for you? It's a.....CARB? Fuck that, bread can't make you fat. You think really fat people just eat shit loads of Wonder? Should we pray for an American potato famine?
Shit, quit wussing all over your bodies. Back in the forties full figure women were the shit, and hell, fat guys can always get laid – look at most of my married friends.
We need to change the ideology of fat being bad. Train our children to toss off to fatchick-fetish porn. Force feed them Claim Jumpers meals.
We should do this now.
Humans are survivors. You are biologically programmed to be fat. Face it. Models, actors, and rock stars are fucking abnormal. They are hippies and should be shot. We are programmed to be fat in order to survive whatever the next Holocaust may be. When the great American potato famine comes dust bowling through the Midwest and we go tits up in Grapes of Wrath fashion, it will be my fat ass eating Naomi Campbell wings in delicious Bullseye BBQ sauce. The fat are survivors and the thin are degenerates that need to be processed (bones and all) into the patties of Big Macs so that my fat brothers and sisters and myself may continue to propagate our fat species across the universe and into the hearts and minds of our alien overlords which live in great nursing homes in the Horseshoe Nebula far, far away.
Living healthy is a sin. A lot of people say Jesus was black. Well, they're probably right, and you know what I think – he was fat. And you know what Jesus promoted – eating bread. You do it every Sunday, oh Christians, at church. And then, you wash it down with alcohol.
J.C. always comes in handy when I'm proving a point. But, what of the Buddha? Now there's a deity that hasn't missed a meal. And you know what? He was so happy in embracing pain and not wanting that he achieved Nirvana, took them on the road and made millions.
So, if you're on a diet – good for you. I'll be around to eat you when the next meteor nails the Earth and there's no more cow flesh and cheese for me to consume on a white bun with mayo.


P.S. Bush is a fucking toolshed of such magnitude that he can consume large galaxies.

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