Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Just Throw It Away

If You are Trapped in a Car

The important thing to remember is that you're not trapped in a plane. If you were trapped in a plane this would be totally different.

See "Trapped in a Plane."

So, let me get this straight – you're trapped in a car?


Please select from the following types of being trapped:


Gun to head


For all other types of being trapped, please see "How to eat a slice of pizza successfully – because you're gonna die."

All right. It says here you're trapped in a car underwater. That's bad news for you – but, don't worry, we're here to help you.

First, take your robot claw and gouge at the doors.

You don't have a robot claw? Why don't you have a robot claw? I see. Do any of the other passengers have robot claws?

There are no passengers?

OK, this might take awhile. Is any of the water leaking into the vehicle?

Good. OK, I would expect that you have neon flux fist lasers, correct?

OK, you don't have neon flux fist lasers – this might take over an hour.

Do you have the car schematic? Yes, the blueprint of the car, do you have it?

You know, you really shouldn't be driving a car. I mean, you're ill equipped for being trapped under water.
I know it's not your fault, but a little planning ahead would have helped you quite a bit.

I'm not being terse.

Are there any electrical spiders made out of gold trying to make their way into the automobile?

Good. That's a relief; you just might make it out of this alive.

All right. What body of water are you in?

The Atlantic?

K, we have an invisible android fish in the Atlantic. I'm radioing him now.




OK, we apparently DON'T have any invisible android fish in the Atlantic. But, what we do have is Larry Anderson and his schooner. Larry has worked for us before. Don't tell anyone, but he works for crack cocaine.

Are you a woman?

That's a shame, cuz he woulda worked for beaver, if you know what I mean.

Moving right along. What we'll be doing is salvaging the car. Do you have your GPS on?

What a surprise, you don’t have GPS. OK, no problem. Do you have any waterproof flares?

OH MY GOD! Score! OK, are you holding the flare? Great, activate it. Yes, I know, in the car ACTIVATE IT!

Is it going? Great. K, now open a window.

Sir, who is working at the Honda help desk and who is trapped in their car underwater in the Atlantic?

OK, so open the window.

Is it open?

OK, now fire the flare.

Sir, I can't hear you.



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