Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Review of The Revenge of the Sith

The Revenge of the Sith: NOOOOOOOOOO!

So, I saw the new Star Wars movie last night.

Right afterward I bought a meat hammer and directions to George Lucas' home.

Look, I'm not a film critic, or some super Star Wars nut that wants to pick apart this movie just because everyone loves it.

Hey, if you like this movie, good for you. I'm glad that you have that Alzheimer's-type rosy glow about your lack of brain cells.

In fact, I really wish I could have liked this movie. It's like in high school, when all the cool kids liked the Smashing Pumpkins: I tried to like them, I bought their albums, I watched the videos – but, in the end they were so horribly untalented that the mechanical band at Chuck E. Cheese's looked like geniuses.

But, first – the cool parts:

The entire movie is battle, battle, battle: It's true. From start to finish there is little romantic ass play or theological gibberings.

Watching Anakin burn like wood: The guy who plays Anakin is a whiny fag and should be concentration camp'd off the Earth. With this in mind, it was pleasant to watch him roast for three minutes.

Jar Jar is raped by Wookies: In a graphic scene we've all been dying for, Jar Jar Binks is raped to death by nine Wookies with 15 inchers. You get to watch as a Wookie penis penetrates Jar Jar to death in his ass, nose, eyes, ears, and two orifices that we later find out are used to expel a gas that is like an evolutionary self-destruct button that kills Jar Jar's entire race of "people." OK, none of that is true, but Jar Jar is only in the movie for two seconds.

Children are killed: Yes "younglings" are brutally slaughtered by Darth Vader. The only sad part is that we can't watch as moppets get those "I'm so cute" looks sliced out of their faces.

Practically every self righteous Jedi Knight is killed: It's awesome, the Emperor gives the order and all the pre-Storm Troopers turn on the Jedis, in the midst of battle, and fry them with laser fire. I almost came.

The Emperor: Good lord, this is the only person in the movie that can act. He's ferocious. He reminds me of Halle Berry when they tried to play the Oscar music in the middle of her speech. Also, he totally annihilates Samuel Jackson, who for some reason decided he could phone this entire trilogy in.

Now, on to the horror of the "NOOOOOOOOO!"

So, here's a play by play of the movie for those of you who read Cliff notes of TV Guide:

Badass battle reminiscent of the space battle in Jedi, only cooler.

Badass robot guy with smoker's cough kicks Jedi ass, Dooku is decapitated. I love it.

Faggy bullshit to explain the plot for those of you who can't remember what you did three years ago.

Ugly love scene, complete with an "I love you more" fight.

Enter the Wookies. I hate them, there's no reason for them to be in here.

More badass fighting.

Prophecies and miscellaneous bullshit.

Lightsaber fights a ga ga.

Flaming Anakin.

Dumb bitch bites it in childbirth.

Vader, all badass and ready for action rises with his new armor, ready to take out Alderaan, learns that his bitch is dead and yells "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" like the punch line in a South Park routine.


Some more shit that bugged me:


Yoda plays a flying gecko on crack in this movie and his inner city grasp of sentence structure becomes so self-mocking you almost wonder if he's putting us on. At one point he pulls off nine object/subject cross hatchings in a row and you're laughing your ass off, until the camera turns to Samuel Jackson who nods like he's just as retarded as Yoda and is soberly listening to a learned man or whatever the fuck Yoda is.

Natalie Portman and Samuel Jackson and Ewen McGregor.

Personal lives aside, these people are great actors. I've liked them all in Closer, Pulp Fiction, and Trainspotting. They're pros. But, for some reason they all act like seventh graders doing Shakespeare in the park – retarded seventh graders with A.D.D. Something I learned a long time ago: if all the actors are terrible the director is at fault.

George Lucas.

He wrote the dialogue for three year olds. It's true. Every last detail of this movie is deliberately over explained and overplayed for the three year old that George thinks he should cater to out of some remark on how children should be catered to because they are so innocent and soon they'll be sinking their livers and having unprotected sex in dark alleys with AIDS carriers. Nikki said it best when she explained that Lucas should be catering to the 20-somethings that were on board day one. Fuck children. So, basically, you have to put up with a lot of "I love you" to explain that Anakin and Padme are in love, and a lot of "I hate you" to explain that Anakin is evil, and a lot of "Oh, by the way, Jedis can now be immortal" to explain why Obi Won lets Vader kill him in Episode IV.

The immortality thing.

So, you get to the end of the movie and as a side note, Yoda explains that they've just made a discovery that Jedi's can achieve immortality. This is to explain the Obi Won thing, and "I will grow more powerful than you can imagine" thing in EIV. But, the delivery and timing are like if you just got cable, the cable guy explains the remote forward and backward and then, as he's leaving, goes "Oh, and you can watch TV programs too."

The fuckfaces in the theater.

Luckily, I missed all the pimpled D and D'ers who showed up to the opening. But, far be it from them to stay away. When the movie opened, a group of them yelled "Star Wars Rocks!" right at the "A long, long time ago" part. It was as if they'd been planning this for years, or maybe did it every time a new episode came out. In either case I wanted to grate their skulls like cheese. I know they thought they were being "rebels" by yelling their love of a movie franchise that's failed miserably, but couldn't they whisper their undying love to themselves? A wee "star wars rocks" that they could turn over in their mind as they try to escape the fact that I will be hunting them down like Jedi.

Love story.

I hate any movie with a love story. I don't care about love. I care about explosions, death, suicide, drugs, midgets, and badass soundtracks. You wanna show me love, splice a porn into the movie; that'll please me. But, please, for the love of donuts, don't give me a love story. I have NEVER seen a love story I was interested in. Sure, my heart is cold and black and is the emotional equivalent of the surface of the moon, but that doesn't mean I can't decide what's good for you and yours. Christ: "I love you" "I love you" "I love it when you say I love you" "I love you more since you just said that" "I love you more" "No, I love you more" "Isn't love grand?"

K, that’s it. I'm too angry now. Go away.



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